My First Official Death Race...aka the 5K

Well, I finished my very first official USATF (United States of America Track and Field) 5K and lived to tell about it.

I didn't have a time in mind to finish, I just wanted to say I did it and I didn't want to be dead last. Surprisingly, I accomplished both, so I'm pretty full of myself happy with the results. So happy, in fact, that I am doing it again this week. Not the same race of course, I have to wait until next year for that, but a night one held on the university campus.

My day started early, and by early I mean that I was awake before the rest of the entire world. Even my dogs looked at me like I was insane as they burrowed themselves back under my blankets. At 0430 everything looks bleak and the race didn't even start until 9! I contemplated just not going or going but just walking or not going and running later that night. Alas, I remembered that I was taking my six year old with me (we'll call her Bad Ass Baby Girl, BABG) and she would've been very disappointed not to see her buddy who was going to be there. So I got out of bed and took a shower. Yes, I know taking a shower before a run sounds a bit on the retarded side but hear me out, I only did it to wake myself up for the two hour drive to the race.

 BABG and I arrived just before 0730 when race registration started. A friend of mine had warned me about the pre-race potty emergencies that can happen so I headed straight to the restroom before I did anything else. Once we were registered we had a while before the race started so we made friends with a few volunteers for a while and then headed down to the starting line to stretch out and check out the competition.
 

I was feeling fine. As you may know I despise morning runs just about as much as I despise frogs, which we'll talk about that in a later post. (If you don't know about my morning run hatred you can read about it here.) But, I was feeling good. I was pumped, warmed, stretched, and good to go. The route didn't look too bad on the map, it was a full circle instead of an out and back. I was smiling and happy, right up until some old man jogged up next to me and asked if I had seen...The Hill.

"Hill? What hill?" I asked.

"The one that's behind us," he replied with a crooked smile.

I looked over my shoulder and it didn't look that bad. I shrugged and said, "No worries, this fat bottom girl has skills. I can do it."

He left me there in the wake of his laughter as he walked away. My confident smile turned to a cringe when I realized that he was laughing at me, instead of with me.

The race whistle started and we were off. BABG took off like a bullet and raced ahead of me. I just knew I wouldn't see her again until the finish line. The race started off with a gentle incline for about a tenth of a mile, no biggie, easy day. I was yet to learn how wrong I was. There was a long downhill after that where I picked up my pace and passed the walkers. It never occurred to me that I would have to gain that elevation drop back somehow. Then there was a nice and easy flat spot all the way to the end of mile one.

At the beginning of mile 2 there is a hill, not too bad, but a little steeper than I was used to. When I got to the top I figured that was it. That is until I looked up and saw it. There, just around the corner, was the biggest, steepest, hill I'd ever seen. It was a monster, it was eating up runners and speed walkers alike. The experienced runners were just getting to the top as I rounded the corner and they were...walking? Dear God the runners were walking the hill!!

I knew I was in for it. "Why did no one tell me?" I cried in confusion. I put my head down and focused on the concrete below my feet. I pushed and pushed and pushed until I couldn't take it anymore. My heart and brain hadn't given up just yet, but my legs were jello. Suddenly, I heard a small voice behind me calling my name and I realized it was BABG, she was walking it and barely faster than a crawl. I took her hand and we pushed up the rest of it together, at a walk. This beast of a hill is nearly a mile long and it feeds on the blood and sweat of inexperienced runners like myself.

Once we reached the top, the volunteers gave us water and made sure we were okay. Luckily, the rest of the way was downhill and just a little tiny hill at the end to get back to the finish line. BABG took off ahead of me again once I mentioned there was ice cream at the end. She finished at 57 minutes flat while I dragged ass behind her at 58:15.

I fucking finished it, goal one complete. Out of 158 competitive runners, I was 153, I wasn't dead last, goal two complete. My reward? Olive Garden with my buddy!!

What now, you ask? Now, I get to work on my time and figure out a way to demolish that hill next year.

Potty Emergency

We're friends, right?

Like I can pretty much tell you anything and you can handle it?

I know what you're thinking right now, "What the fuck is she talking about?" Well, I think it's time to address the proverbial elephant in the room and talk about potty emergencies.

I'm not talking about the 'I really have to pee' moments that can happen anywhere like in the car, or on a run, or even at work. I'm talking about the times when your stomach cramps so bad that you just might wreck your car. Tears come to your eyes as you double over in pain and you pray for death to come quickly. The times where you start sweating profusely and seriously contemplate shitting your pants just to get rid of the pain! Yeah, those times.





Maybe you have experienced this yourself at some point in time. Maybe you have been able to make it to the bathroom just in time (oh, sweet baby Jesus thank you!) but have you experienced this in the middle of a run about two miles from your end point?

 

What do you do? Do you simply veer off course into the woods and use a sock to clean yourself up? Do you pooper scooper that shit (literally) and take it with you? If you do decide to just go, do you take a picture of it to savor the moment when you are done and send it to your friend? (I bet you do!)

Personally, I have always been able to complete my run straight into a bathroom. I have an irrational fear of spiders injecting venom into my massive ass cheek that prevents me from taking a dump in the woods so thankfully I have not had to poop so bad that I couldn't wait. It is bound to happen though, one day. I have read though that some marathon runners simply shit their shorts and keep on keepin' on. *Insert dry heaves here*

(Side note: In boot camp, if you vomited the Drill Instructors would make you pick it up and put it in your pocket to carry that around with you all day long. It was revolting! I never puked in boot camp. I'd hate to see what they would do if you took a shit on a run.)

Perhaps I should just start running with this?

Comments? Suggestions on how to avoid a potty emergency? Have an epic poop story that just must be shared? Let me know!

Come Take a Run with Me

I hate running in the early morning. Yes, it's much cooler, there's less people (judging the fat bottom girl as she wheezes by), and less chance of running into someone you know on the road. I just have zero motivation and my confidence level is at an all time low at that time. I have never been a morning person and it's possible that I never will be. I run in the evenings or afternoons because that is when my energy and motivation is at its highest. (Don't ask me why, I have no idea, but if you find yourself dreading a run in the morning try doing it later in the day and see how you feel.)

That being said, I decided to take a run this morning when it was nice and foggy and cool outside. Mistake #1. I didn't make it a half mile before my ankles started to burn, my left knee started to ache, my brain started telling me to turn back and go home, and my lungs began their incessant protesting as well. Despite my aches and pains I kept going for another half mile before I just gave up, turning it into mistake #2. I couldn't possibly contend with all of them at the same time with two more miles to go. I ended up walking the rest at a pretty good clip just to spite myself. I'm sure I looked like quite the entertaining fool out there, with my headphones in, cursing myself, and calling myself names.

I did finish my normal 3 miles but I am not exactly happy about it today. Although, it did give me a chance to take some pictures though so you can come on a run with me! Each place is a checkpoint in my head, that I tell myself "if you can just make it to this place then you can take a break". I don't usually get to take a break because I already have the next check point in my head and I'm telling myself the same thing, over and over again, until I finish and get back to my car.





First checkpoint is the Nickajack Bridge (Yup, you read that right.) It crosses over the river which means it's a frickin' bitch an awesome uphill slope to this point. Just about a half mile into the run. I know if I can make it to this point there is a downhill I can make up speed on the other side.

Next checkpoint is Nonah Bridge. A cute little covered bridge that crosses back over the river a little over the half mile point. I would normally find this place an attractive spot for romance and all things pretty, but at this point in my run I am wondering what exactly I was thinking and cussing all the people passing me.






Downhill slope again after that bridge and flat area. I can't really say that I like the flat areas because I am forced to move this fat body all on my own. Downhill is much more favorable for me.









 
Holy bejeesus, we're almost to the half way point! Just a little but more to go. There is a little sign at the beginning of this graveled area that I am so happy to see every time that I nearly cry! (Not really, but you get the idea.)








And there it is. The half way point. 1.55 miles from the starting line! I'm always happy to see this but then I realize that I have to make the run back...because that is where my car is.






On the run back I notice (and I'm always surprised) that there is a bit of a downhill slope that for most of the way that allows me to take a longer stride, which quickens my pace for the run back (as opposed to my short stubby movements I qualify as running.)

Because I get distracted easily...here's the bunny friend I made today. (Better than the snake my friend and I saw yesterday!)











When I see this little bridge come in to view I know the finish line is just ahead.

And there it is. The end of my run, the most beautiful metal pole I've ever seen. The other runners think I'm crazy when I run to it with open arms and kiss it as if I just returned from war. (Again, an exaggeration people, come on.)









I hope you enjoyed our run together today. Perhaps you can join me this evening when I go back to do it again.

The Chub Rub

I went for a run with a friend the other day and she informed me a few days later that she had acquired "The Chub Rub". I, of course, had no idea what she was talking about and immediately burst into laughter. Obviously, I had to ask what it was and apparently it is any part of your body or clothing that rubs against your skin causing friction, irritation, skin loss, and even pain. Basically, when fat bottom girls run, their whole body rubs against itself and this "Chub Rub" can occur. For women, it can occur on the thighs (usually), in the crotch area, and under the breasts, although it can occur other places as well. For men? Well, let's just say it is as unpleasant for them as it is for us. It's like a diaper rash for adults.

I had not personally experienced this hell yet because I normally wear men's biker shorts and a really tight sports bra when I run, preventing the friction. However, when my first pair of biker shorts fell apart at the seams I resorted to using a regular pair of shorts. I then knew what holy hellfire awaited me exactly one day later when I attempted to go for a run again.

The pain was indescribable. It's as if you have torn away layer upon layer of your precious skin and the nerve endings have nothing better to do but shoot pain signals to your brain. Even the slightest touch of clothing on the area is excrutiating. Immediately after my run I went to the store and bought a new pair of biker shorts, powder, bandages, A&D ointment, Vaseline, and deodorant. All the items that were recommended to me as I limped around the track. I was going to try everything to heal this Grand Canyon sized open wound. (Actually, it was more like the size of a nail head but you would've thought I'd lost a limb from the way I was bitching about it.)


They all worked of course, A&D to heal the skin and prevented the friction, Vaseline too. The powder and deodorant absorbed the sweat, the bandages kept my clothing from rubbing against the sore, and of course my trusty new biker shorts were and still are a life saver.

I will never again run without my biker shorts. I recommend them to any fat bottom girl (or boy) who has decided to start running. Even The Punisher has started wearing them and he can't thank me enough. Get the ones that are made to absorb the sweat away from your skin and you'll never again get the dreaded Chub Rub. Or you can follow the advice of a duck, who doesn't run.

The Longest Run

Four weeks ago, The Punisher took me on my first run. The road was flat, the temperature was perfect, and I was ready. Then...I was heaving, sucking air like a banshee, and barely able to lift my feet off the ground.

I didn't even make it 100 yards. He pushed and pushed but I could only make a run for a few yards at a time and we only did a mile in total. I was disappointed in myself, I wanted to crawl under a rock and hide forever. Problem was...there isn't a rock big enough for this FBG.

After a couple weeks of sporadic mile long run/walks at home I did a run that was a killer up hill battle and I injured my knee. I couldn't run anymore. I wanted to but I just couldn't. I have slowly been in recovery since then. But a couple days ago I was able to do an actual run with The Punisher again. It was a little less than a mile and the very same killer hill.

I did it.

Finally.

It sucked.

Mostly.



I was so proud of myself for finishing it because I did the whole thing without stopping and only had to walk halfway up the killer hill, the rest was a run at a 17 minute pace. Not bad for a fat girl huh?

Today I planned a longer run. I wanted to see if I could go farther than I ever have before and I wanted to work on my pace. I brought a friend with me this time who had never run before, I was about to get the challenge I needed to push myself. I just had to beat her, no matter how fast (or slow) she went, I had to be faster and get there first. It was my own little personal challenge.

I got to prove my stuff to her that after only two weeks of running I could do this. To show her that it was never easy but look what I can do now and you can too with just a little dedication. (Of course, my super duper flying shoes helped too!) It was nice knowing that a girl who is nearly two times smaller than me is definitely not as fit as I am after only a month of exercise. Imagine the possibilities!

1.66 miles later, heaving and sucking air like a banshee, I made it. I had to walk a couple times with my friend. I also did not make it up the new killer hill at the end of my run but I did try, next time I will defeat it. My friend was ready to kill me for pushing her so far and so hard. (I'd be willing to bet she challenged herself to beat me. Which is fine, except I wouldn't have let it happen.)

Shame is Not Motivation

I came across a post on my timeline for Facebook yesterday that got my blood pressure to top out more than a good workout!

There is a man who is secretly filming the overweight and elderly residents of my gentle little town and making mean and hurtful comments on the videos about them. You do not see his face, you just hear his hateful troll of a voice the entire time. Instead of talking to these people, he hides behind trees and bushes and as he films he berates these poor people behind their backs and hides behind his camera. While there are plenty of moral and medical reasons as to why this would inappropriate to the large people of my town there is also the fact that he isn't doing anything to help them about their weight or motivating them to do anything about it either.

Motivation does not come from shame. Ever.

As an FBG, and a resident of the county he is secretly filming I am so frustrated that he is walking my streets. He mentions in one of his videos that he does a Navy SEAL workout. I highly doubt this. Most likely he found something online that incorporates the same exercises we can all do and it was labeled a SEAL workout. As a Navy Sailor myself this infuriated me.

I posted a comment to his youtube videos which received no response from him. I also sent him a message on Facebook (listed below, in full force so excuse the language used) which has received no response as well.

This man is attempting to open a fitness center in my humble little town. I implore my readers to flag his videos and ask that they be taken down. I also ask that you never, ever, visit any of his listed websites. Normally I would NEVER bring attention to something like this so as not to garner him more satisfaction. Unfortunately, it affects the people of my town, my friends, and my family. I cannot allow this to continue and I ask that you, my readers please help me get his videos taken down. Sign in to youtube and go here to get the list of his videos. Feel free to leave a comment on his videos too. The ones labeled "Obesity Reigns in Macon County 1" all the way through 6 need to be flagged.

"As a former US Navy Sailor, you sir are a cunt. I'm a fat girl of Macon County and I've been working my ass off to lose my weight. In doing so I've motivated several others to join me. THAT is how you get others to join you, to be healthy, to run. What you have done is wrong and bordering on pedophilia. What makes you so fucking special? Sounds to me like you are a fat guy yourself. Perhaps you should join ME on my two a day workouts and see how you feel. You are scum. Take your sick videos down, stop filming people, and motivate people in other ways. I could bring my actual Navy SEAL buddies to one of your workouts if you wish and we can see if you can hang with them? Except they wouldn't ridicule you, make fun of you, film you at your most vulnerable, for not being able to finish their daily routine. Be a man."

UPDATE: I did receive a response to the youtube post.

"I just wanted to let you know that I am shooting these videos as ABC news has expressed interest in doing a story on OBESITY here. I am formerly of CBS news. We are only using the numbers shared with your OWN health department they showed us that speaks the FACTS."

UPDATE #2 (My response):

"While they may be the FACTS as you so state. The way you have gone about belittling this town, this community, is ridiculous! I have seen more tasteful stories done on obesity from the news before, what you are doing is just flat wrong. Your statements on these videos are derived from a place of hate instead of compassion. I could care less your affiliations within the news community. You're a pompous ass that thinks he is better than everyone else. I have three kids, workout twice a day, go to school full time, and work full time. I don't run on the greenway because my job has it's own gym in the building. I'm still a fat girl and my excuses are my own and none of your business. Motivation can never come from shame!"

Update #3:

Congratulations! He took down his videos from youtube. Great job guys. Great job.

Depression and New Shoes

There is a depression that comes when you are not able to workout like you have been for the last three weeks. It takes over your entire life like a virus that you cannot seem to get rid of. It attaches to your soul and tells you horrible things like, "I knew you weren't good enough" and "see? I told you. You are just too fat. You should give up all together."

This depression virus latched onto me and nearly had me talked in to giving up...again. But this time I had something on my side that everyone should have. A superhero, in my mind, that infused me with positivity and hope. Let's just say that The Punisher doesn't always punish. Sometimes he is kind, gentle, rewarding, and he can give you that one extra little push to get out there and just keep doing what you do.

So I did. I got out there and kept lifting, kept working, kept sweating. Eventually after a week of not using my knees for anything but walking from one place to another, I was able to get up on the elliptical with no pain for thirty minutes. I did that for a few days twice a day. Then today I was able to do an hour with no pain. I can walk with no pain too. I even did a tester jogging lap around the gym this morning and it twinged a little bit so I stopped but I know that one day very soon I will get back to running.

In order to prepare myself for that one day. I had to go buy a new pair of shoes for the occasion. Remember docs orders to buy new shoes? I totally did that this weekend and what a relief! I enjoyed every second of the 3 hour trip to the running store and back. (If you live in the Asheville area I totally recommend Jus' Running. The people there are experts at running and shoes, ask them anything and I bet they have an answer! Plus they can deal with my smart ass and my smart ass friends and that's the way to get my business.)

The cool sticker I got for Punisher

When I walked in the running store (that deals specifically with shoes and running) I knew exactly what was going to happen.

"Hello. How can I help you?" the owner asked me.

"Oh, I am in need of a pair of good running shoes. Do you guys carry those?"

The look on his face was priceless. He knew he was in for a long two hours with my friends and I. He just shook his head and showed us to the shoes. He knew exactly what I needed within seconds of watching me walk a few steps and got me the perfect shoe.

What can a new pair of shoes do for you?

They can brighten your spirit and make you feel like your flying. They give you a chance to show just how cool and awesome you really are. They can also show a part of your personality that has been hidden beneath the layers of fat you have built up over the years. The louder in color they are the better runner you are, I swear, I wouldn't make this stuff up!

So here they are in all their depression beating glory. I have a shirt that matches that bright ass yellow on the soles too. I can't wait to get out there and for you to join me!

10 lbs

This morning was a bit of a shocker. I have been completely depressed for the last couple days since seeing my doc about not being able to do any cardio whatsoever. I can't run, I can't walk, I can't even do the elliptical, I've been watching my friends run and play, and I have just been whiny and sad the whole time. (I know, an FBG complaining that she isn't allowed to get off her ass? What is this world coming to?)

Finally, last night I'd had enough whining and got off my ass and went to the gym. I am allowed to do upper body strength training so I completely destroyed my abs and my arms. It felt good to kick my own ass and get out there again. I missed the aches and pains of weight lifting and the day after feeling of mild soreness.

Yes, I am still depressed that I can't run or do any cardio but here's the thing, even with all my bitching and whining, I have reached my first goal of LOSING 10 pounds.

I stepped on the ever dreaded scale this morning and there it was. A little arrow that pointed down and a great big 10! I literally screamed in my bathroom, frightening anyone within one hundred yards of my house and waking the kids.

These Boots Are Made For Walking...

But my legs were made for running.

Unfortunately my knees totally disagree. As you may have noticed, I have been complaining for the last couple weeks about how painful it is to run on my knees. I went and played tennis the other night and woke up the next morning in such pain that I couldn't walk. I finally broke down and made an appointment with my doc.

This morning was my visit and I found out that while I will live, I will also be in excruciating pain for the next couple weeks. I have damaged (not torn) both of my MCLs (Medial Collateral Ligament.)

It is the ligament that runs from the Femor to the Tibia on the medial (inside) of your knees. It is used to resist forces that would push the knees inward. It can be easily damaged by high impact, bending, or landing on a slightly bent knee.




Treatment includes pain meds, ice, complete and total rest, new shoes (hooray!) that can sustain the pressure points, and more pain meds. Eventually they will heal and I can get back to work. Until then, I will need to watch my diet and continue to do strength training for back, abs, and arms. So that I do not gain any of the weight back that I have already lost.

The moral of this story is...Do not run on an injury no matter how trivial you may think it is. I pushed through the pain because I figured I was just fat and lazy so my joints needed to catch up with my will power. But pain really is the only way your body has to tell you that something is wrong. And something was definitely wrong.

I implore you to go see your doc immediately if pain persists more than a day or two after giving it time to rest. He or she will be able to tell you why you have pain and whether you can continue to move on it or not. My doc informed today me that running on my injury has actually made it worse for me and a longer recovery time.

"What can I do about the pain then doc?" I asked him.

"Don't run away, I'll give you some samples..." he left the room and I almost laughed in his face. I wasn't about to RUN anywhere, let alone away.

I am frustrated. I am angry. I want to run. I want to be pain free. I want to be able to do the things I was doing before but I know that I just can't. If I do, I will cause more harm than good and it is possible that I will ruin it completely and I will never reach my goals.

So, I tell myself that this is merely a set back on my journey as I am sure we have all had or are right now in the middle of. I will recover and I will make it through this. I have learned from my mistake and it's time for me to just relax, take it easy, and eat my bitch mints like candy!

Joggin' for Frogmen 5K

My Bib for the Virtual 5K

Sunday was the Joggin' for Frogmen 5K race. I was representing the great state of North Carolina and Crushin' it for JT.

As a virtual racer the point was to get out and run the 5K whenever you could on that day. Unfortunately, I have injured my knee so I was unable to do the actual running part. (Not that I was looking forward to running a 5K so soon after getting off my ass starting to run).

Due to my injury (too much, too soon) I have to do low impact walking or some other type of easy cardio to keep the pressure off my knee. (We will talk about knees and how to take care of them in another post.)

FBG and The Punisher

I did however, get up early and go workout with my Punisher and used the Elliptical for 30 minutes. Using the Elliptical tends to make me sweat more than if I were to actually run which sometimes makes me feel like I am doing more work but I found that I burn just about the same amount of calories using the machine as I would running.

Thank you to everyone who donated to the cause. Your support will help families of the fallen US Navy SEALs and other Veterans nationwide.