The Hiatus and the Return to Hell

Since that fateful day in October (aka race day) I have gone down hill, fast.

My inspiration and motivation was gone and my spirit was broken. I was convinced that I was just no good and I wanted to give it all up. I wasn't losing the weight fast enough and those who were once proud of me and encouraging had stopped being so helpful. I continued to run each day but my heart was no longer in it. The depression monster came back and weaved its dark shadows through my very soul and even a new pair of running shoes couldn't take me out of its grasp this time. Not to mention that the weather turned cold very quickly and if you remember how much I hate early morning runs then you'll be happy to know I despise cold runs too!


Thanksgiving day I was scheduled to run another 5K but this time I had not trained properly for it and I was dreading it with a passion. I had gone from running four or five miles at a time, five days a week, to doing intervals only a couple times a week (a mixture of walking and sprinting.) It improved my stamina and time on the distance runs but I couldn't get past this block that I had put up. My brain wouldn't focus on getting the job done and eventually I went from intervals to walking only. Then I just stopped working out all together which killed me because about the time that I would normally go for a run my legs would turn to fire. What doctors call restless leg syndrome.

When my running partner sprained her ankle a couple days before the race I totally used this as my excuse not to go. I also used it as my excuse to not run for the next three weeks as well. I don't regret not going to the race though. That morning it was 19 degrees! OMFG! I regret that I had pretty much given up on myself and was starting to feel guilty. Really guilty, which made it all that much worse, and now I really didn't want to workout any more. That is until I went back to work and an old friend that I hadn't seen or spoken to since October called me up and conned me into asked me nicely to join her at the gym today for something called "bootcamp".

(Side note: I've been to bootcamp and I didn't like it then either!)

I was excited to go but I was also nervous. I was worried that I would be the only Fat Bottom Girl there and I didn't want to make a complete fool of myself. I told myself that if she could do it then I sure as hell could do it too. I showed up at 8:45 am (I know right?! A morning workout?! WTF was I thinking?!) and met her at the door. She greeted me with that shit eating grin of hers and asked me if I was ready.

"Fuck no I'm not....Let's go in, I'm already here." I replied. It was 22 degrees and I just wanted to get indoors.

9 am the workout from hell started. My heart thumped in my chest so hard I was afraid it was going to flop out onto the floor. My legs were burning so much they could've started a forest fire and to top it all off I couldn't breathe. I heaved to suck in air, hoping to get the much needed oxygen to my O2 starved limbs to no avail. I was just going to have to suffer through it or pass the fuck out.

Just then the four foot nothing, beast of a woman barked into her headset to take a break and get some water. Thank God! Glancing at my watch on the way to my water bottle...9:05 am. That was just the warm-up. Sweet baby Jesus I was in for 55 more minutes of this hellish torture.

I made it through with only a couple bumps and bruises. I didn't pass out, I didn't puke, I did do the entire workout, and I did finish it without bitching, not one single time. (I couldn't breathe well enough to bitch or I probably would have.) Five minutes after the workout I signed up for the gym membership and I have dedicated myself to go three days a week and still do a run on the weekends. It's time to get back on track and get back to work! Thanks buddy (you know who you are) for giving me that call!!

Come Take a Run with Me

I hate running in the early morning. Yes, it's much cooler, there's less people (judging the fat bottom girl as she wheezes by), and less chance of running into someone you know on the road. I just have zero motivation and my confidence level is at an all time low at that time. I have never been a morning person and it's possible that I never will be. I run in the evenings or afternoons because that is when my energy and motivation is at its highest. (Don't ask me why, I have no idea, but if you find yourself dreading a run in the morning try doing it later in the day and see how you feel.)

That being said, I decided to take a run this morning when it was nice and foggy and cool outside. Mistake #1. I didn't make it a half mile before my ankles started to burn, my left knee started to ache, my brain started telling me to turn back and go home, and my lungs began their incessant protesting as well. Despite my aches and pains I kept going for another half mile before I just gave up, turning it into mistake #2. I couldn't possibly contend with all of them at the same time with two more miles to go. I ended up walking the rest at a pretty good clip just to spite myself. I'm sure I looked like quite the entertaining fool out there, with my headphones in, cursing myself, and calling myself names.

I did finish my normal 3 miles but I am not exactly happy about it today. Although, it did give me a chance to take some pictures though so you can come on a run with me! Each place is a checkpoint in my head, that I tell myself "if you can just make it to this place then you can take a break". I don't usually get to take a break because I already have the next check point in my head and I'm telling myself the same thing, over and over again, until I finish and get back to my car.





First checkpoint is the Nickajack Bridge (Yup, you read that right.) It crosses over the river which means it's a frickin' bitch an awesome uphill slope to this point. Just about a half mile into the run. I know if I can make it to this point there is a downhill I can make up speed on the other side.

Next checkpoint is Nonah Bridge. A cute little covered bridge that crosses back over the river a little over the half mile point. I would normally find this place an attractive spot for romance and all things pretty, but at this point in my run I am wondering what exactly I was thinking and cussing all the people passing me.






Downhill slope again after that bridge and flat area. I can't really say that I like the flat areas because I am forced to move this fat body all on my own. Downhill is much more favorable for me.









 
Holy bejeesus, we're almost to the half way point! Just a little but more to go. There is a little sign at the beginning of this graveled area that I am so happy to see every time that I nearly cry! (Not really, but you get the idea.)








And there it is. The half way point. 1.55 miles from the starting line! I'm always happy to see this but then I realize that I have to make the run back...because that is where my car is.






On the run back I notice (and I'm always surprised) that there is a bit of a downhill slope that for most of the way that allows me to take a longer stride, which quickens my pace for the run back (as opposed to my short stubby movements I qualify as running.)

Because I get distracted easily...here's the bunny friend I made today. (Better than the snake my friend and I saw yesterday!)











When I see this little bridge come in to view I know the finish line is just ahead.

And there it is. The end of my run, the most beautiful metal pole I've ever seen. The other runners think I'm crazy when I run to it with open arms and kiss it as if I just returned from war. (Again, an exaggeration people, come on.)









I hope you enjoyed our run together today. Perhaps you can join me this evening when I go back to do it again.

The Longest Run

Four weeks ago, The Punisher took me on my first run. The road was flat, the temperature was perfect, and I was ready. Then...I was heaving, sucking air like a banshee, and barely able to lift my feet off the ground.

I didn't even make it 100 yards. He pushed and pushed but I could only make a run for a few yards at a time and we only did a mile in total. I was disappointed in myself, I wanted to crawl under a rock and hide forever. Problem was...there isn't a rock big enough for this FBG.

After a couple weeks of sporadic mile long run/walks at home I did a run that was a killer up hill battle and I injured my knee. I couldn't run anymore. I wanted to but I just couldn't. I have slowly been in recovery since then. But a couple days ago I was able to do an actual run with The Punisher again. It was a little less than a mile and the very same killer hill.

I did it.

Finally.

It sucked.

Mostly.



I was so proud of myself for finishing it because I did the whole thing without stopping and only had to walk halfway up the killer hill, the rest was a run at a 17 minute pace. Not bad for a fat girl huh?

Today I planned a longer run. I wanted to see if I could go farther than I ever have before and I wanted to work on my pace. I brought a friend with me this time who had never run before, I was about to get the challenge I needed to push myself. I just had to beat her, no matter how fast (or slow) she went, I had to be faster and get there first. It was my own little personal challenge.

I got to prove my stuff to her that after only two weeks of running I could do this. To show her that it was never easy but look what I can do now and you can too with just a little dedication. (Of course, my super duper flying shoes helped too!) It was nice knowing that a girl who is nearly two times smaller than me is definitely not as fit as I am after only a month of exercise. Imagine the possibilities!

1.66 miles later, heaving and sucking air like a banshee, I made it. I had to walk a couple times with my friend. I also did not make it up the new killer hill at the end of my run but I did try, next time I will defeat it. My friend was ready to kill me for pushing her so far and so hard. (I'd be willing to bet she challenged herself to beat me. Which is fine, except I wouldn't have let it happen.)

Depression and New Shoes

There is a depression that comes when you are not able to workout like you have been for the last three weeks. It takes over your entire life like a virus that you cannot seem to get rid of. It attaches to your soul and tells you horrible things like, "I knew you weren't good enough" and "see? I told you. You are just too fat. You should give up all together."

This depression virus latched onto me and nearly had me talked in to giving up...again. But this time I had something on my side that everyone should have. A superhero, in my mind, that infused me with positivity and hope. Let's just say that The Punisher doesn't always punish. Sometimes he is kind, gentle, rewarding, and he can give you that one extra little push to get out there and just keep doing what you do.

So I did. I got out there and kept lifting, kept working, kept sweating. Eventually after a week of not using my knees for anything but walking from one place to another, I was able to get up on the elliptical with no pain for thirty minutes. I did that for a few days twice a day. Then today I was able to do an hour with no pain. I can walk with no pain too. I even did a tester jogging lap around the gym this morning and it twinged a little bit so I stopped but I know that one day very soon I will get back to running.

In order to prepare myself for that one day. I had to go buy a new pair of shoes for the occasion. Remember docs orders to buy new shoes? I totally did that this weekend and what a relief! I enjoyed every second of the 3 hour trip to the running store and back. (If you live in the Asheville area I totally recommend Jus' Running. The people there are experts at running and shoes, ask them anything and I bet they have an answer! Plus they can deal with my smart ass and my smart ass friends and that's the way to get my business.)

The cool sticker I got for Punisher

When I walked in the running store (that deals specifically with shoes and running) I knew exactly what was going to happen.

"Hello. How can I help you?" the owner asked me.

"Oh, I am in need of a pair of good running shoes. Do you guys carry those?"

The look on his face was priceless. He knew he was in for a long two hours with my friends and I. He just shook his head and showed us to the shoes. He knew exactly what I needed within seconds of watching me walk a few steps and got me the perfect shoe.

What can a new pair of shoes do for you?

They can brighten your spirit and make you feel like your flying. They give you a chance to show just how cool and awesome you really are. They can also show a part of your personality that has been hidden beneath the layers of fat you have built up over the years. The louder in color they are the better runner you are, I swear, I wouldn't make this stuff up!

So here they are in all their depression beating glory. I have a shirt that matches that bright ass yellow on the soles too. I can't wait to get out there and for you to join me!

These Boots Are Made For Walking...

But my legs were made for running.

Unfortunately my knees totally disagree. As you may have noticed, I have been complaining for the last couple weeks about how painful it is to run on my knees. I went and played tennis the other night and woke up the next morning in such pain that I couldn't walk. I finally broke down and made an appointment with my doc.

This morning was my visit and I found out that while I will live, I will also be in excruciating pain for the next couple weeks. I have damaged (not torn) both of my MCLs (Medial Collateral Ligament.)

It is the ligament that runs from the Femor to the Tibia on the medial (inside) of your knees. It is used to resist forces that would push the knees inward. It can be easily damaged by high impact, bending, or landing on a slightly bent knee.




Treatment includes pain meds, ice, complete and total rest, new shoes (hooray!) that can sustain the pressure points, and more pain meds. Eventually they will heal and I can get back to work. Until then, I will need to watch my diet and continue to do strength training for back, abs, and arms. So that I do not gain any of the weight back that I have already lost.

The moral of this story is...Do not run on an injury no matter how trivial you may think it is. I pushed through the pain because I figured I was just fat and lazy so my joints needed to catch up with my will power. But pain really is the only way your body has to tell you that something is wrong. And something was definitely wrong.

I implore you to go see your doc immediately if pain persists more than a day or two after giving it time to rest. He or she will be able to tell you why you have pain and whether you can continue to move on it or not. My doc informed today me that running on my injury has actually made it worse for me and a longer recovery time.

"What can I do about the pain then doc?" I asked him.

"Don't run away, I'll give you some samples..." he left the room and I almost laughed in his face. I wasn't about to RUN anywhere, let alone away.

I am frustrated. I am angry. I want to run. I want to be pain free. I want to be able to do the things I was doing before but I know that I just can't. If I do, I will cause more harm than good and it is possible that I will ruin it completely and I will never reach my goals.

So, I tell myself that this is merely a set back on my journey as I am sure we have all had or are right now in the middle of. I will recover and I will make it through this. I have learned from my mistake and it's time for me to just relax, take it easy, and eat my bitch mints like candy!