Potty Emergency

We're friends, right?

Like I can pretty much tell you anything and you can handle it?

I know what you're thinking right now, "What the fuck is she talking about?" Well, I think it's time to address the proverbial elephant in the room and talk about potty emergencies.

I'm not talking about the 'I really have to pee' moments that can happen anywhere like in the car, or on a run, or even at work. I'm talking about the times when your stomach cramps so bad that you just might wreck your car. Tears come to your eyes as you double over in pain and you pray for death to come quickly. The times where you start sweating profusely and seriously contemplate shitting your pants just to get rid of the pain! Yeah, those times.





Maybe you have experienced this yourself at some point in time. Maybe you have been able to make it to the bathroom just in time (oh, sweet baby Jesus thank you!) but have you experienced this in the middle of a run about two miles from your end point?

 

What do you do? Do you simply veer off course into the woods and use a sock to clean yourself up? Do you pooper scooper that shit (literally) and take it with you? If you do decide to just go, do you take a picture of it to savor the moment when you are done and send it to your friend? (I bet you do!)

Personally, I have always been able to complete my run straight into a bathroom. I have an irrational fear of spiders injecting venom into my massive ass cheek that prevents me from taking a dump in the woods so thankfully I have not had to poop so bad that I couldn't wait. It is bound to happen though, one day. I have read though that some marathon runners simply shit their shorts and keep on keepin' on. *Insert dry heaves here*

(Side note: In boot camp, if you vomited the Drill Instructors would make you pick it up and put it in your pocket to carry that around with you all day long. It was revolting! I never puked in boot camp. I'd hate to see what they would do if you took a shit on a run.)

Perhaps I should just start running with this?

Comments? Suggestions on how to avoid a potty emergency? Have an epic poop story that just must be shared? Let me know!

Come Take a Run with Me

I hate running in the early morning. Yes, it's much cooler, there's less people (judging the fat bottom girl as she wheezes by), and less chance of running into someone you know on the road. I just have zero motivation and my confidence level is at an all time low at that time. I have never been a morning person and it's possible that I never will be. I run in the evenings or afternoons because that is when my energy and motivation is at its highest. (Don't ask me why, I have no idea, but if you find yourself dreading a run in the morning try doing it later in the day and see how you feel.)

That being said, I decided to take a run this morning when it was nice and foggy and cool outside. Mistake #1. I didn't make it a half mile before my ankles started to burn, my left knee started to ache, my brain started telling me to turn back and go home, and my lungs began their incessant protesting as well. Despite my aches and pains I kept going for another half mile before I just gave up, turning it into mistake #2. I couldn't possibly contend with all of them at the same time with two more miles to go. I ended up walking the rest at a pretty good clip just to spite myself. I'm sure I looked like quite the entertaining fool out there, with my headphones in, cursing myself, and calling myself names.

I did finish my normal 3 miles but I am not exactly happy about it today. Although, it did give me a chance to take some pictures though so you can come on a run with me! Each place is a checkpoint in my head, that I tell myself "if you can just make it to this place then you can take a break". I don't usually get to take a break because I already have the next check point in my head and I'm telling myself the same thing, over and over again, until I finish and get back to my car.





First checkpoint is the Nickajack Bridge (Yup, you read that right.) It crosses over the river which means it's a frickin' bitch an awesome uphill slope to this point. Just about a half mile into the run. I know if I can make it to this point there is a downhill I can make up speed on the other side.

Next checkpoint is Nonah Bridge. A cute little covered bridge that crosses back over the river a little over the half mile point. I would normally find this place an attractive spot for romance and all things pretty, but at this point in my run I am wondering what exactly I was thinking and cussing all the people passing me.






Downhill slope again after that bridge and flat area. I can't really say that I like the flat areas because I am forced to move this fat body all on my own. Downhill is much more favorable for me.









 
Holy bejeesus, we're almost to the half way point! Just a little but more to go. There is a little sign at the beginning of this graveled area that I am so happy to see every time that I nearly cry! (Not really, but you get the idea.)








And there it is. The half way point. 1.55 miles from the starting line! I'm always happy to see this but then I realize that I have to make the run back...because that is where my car is.






On the run back I notice (and I'm always surprised) that there is a bit of a downhill slope that for most of the way that allows me to take a longer stride, which quickens my pace for the run back (as opposed to my short stubby movements I qualify as running.)

Because I get distracted easily...here's the bunny friend I made today. (Better than the snake my friend and I saw yesterday!)











When I see this little bridge come in to view I know the finish line is just ahead.

And there it is. The end of my run, the most beautiful metal pole I've ever seen. The other runners think I'm crazy when I run to it with open arms and kiss it as if I just returned from war. (Again, an exaggeration people, come on.)









I hope you enjoyed our run together today. Perhaps you can join me this evening when I go back to do it again.

Depression and New Shoes

There is a depression that comes when you are not able to workout like you have been for the last three weeks. It takes over your entire life like a virus that you cannot seem to get rid of. It attaches to your soul and tells you horrible things like, "I knew you weren't good enough" and "see? I told you. You are just too fat. You should give up all together."

This depression virus latched onto me and nearly had me talked in to giving up...again. But this time I had something on my side that everyone should have. A superhero, in my mind, that infused me with positivity and hope. Let's just say that The Punisher doesn't always punish. Sometimes he is kind, gentle, rewarding, and he can give you that one extra little push to get out there and just keep doing what you do.

So I did. I got out there and kept lifting, kept working, kept sweating. Eventually after a week of not using my knees for anything but walking from one place to another, I was able to get up on the elliptical with no pain for thirty minutes. I did that for a few days twice a day. Then today I was able to do an hour with no pain. I can walk with no pain too. I even did a tester jogging lap around the gym this morning and it twinged a little bit so I stopped but I know that one day very soon I will get back to running.

In order to prepare myself for that one day. I had to go buy a new pair of shoes for the occasion. Remember docs orders to buy new shoes? I totally did that this weekend and what a relief! I enjoyed every second of the 3 hour trip to the running store and back. (If you live in the Asheville area I totally recommend Jus' Running. The people there are experts at running and shoes, ask them anything and I bet they have an answer! Plus they can deal with my smart ass and my smart ass friends and that's the way to get my business.)

The cool sticker I got for Punisher

When I walked in the running store (that deals specifically with shoes and running) I knew exactly what was going to happen.

"Hello. How can I help you?" the owner asked me.

"Oh, I am in need of a pair of good running shoes. Do you guys carry those?"

The look on his face was priceless. He knew he was in for a long two hours with my friends and I. He just shook his head and showed us to the shoes. He knew exactly what I needed within seconds of watching me walk a few steps and got me the perfect shoe.

What can a new pair of shoes do for you?

They can brighten your spirit and make you feel like your flying. They give you a chance to show just how cool and awesome you really are. They can also show a part of your personality that has been hidden beneath the layers of fat you have built up over the years. The louder in color they are the better runner you are, I swear, I wouldn't make this stuff up!

So here they are in all their depression beating glory. I have a shirt that matches that bright ass yellow on the soles too. I can't wait to get out there and for you to join me!

10 lbs

This morning was a bit of a shocker. I have been completely depressed for the last couple days since seeing my doc about not being able to do any cardio whatsoever. I can't run, I can't walk, I can't even do the elliptical, I've been watching my friends run and play, and I have just been whiny and sad the whole time. (I know, an FBG complaining that she isn't allowed to get off her ass? What is this world coming to?)

Finally, last night I'd had enough whining and got off my ass and went to the gym. I am allowed to do upper body strength training so I completely destroyed my abs and my arms. It felt good to kick my own ass and get out there again. I missed the aches and pains of weight lifting and the day after feeling of mild soreness.

Yes, I am still depressed that I can't run or do any cardio but here's the thing, even with all my bitching and whining, I have reached my first goal of LOSING 10 pounds.

I stepped on the ever dreaded scale this morning and there it was. A little arrow that pointed down and a great big 10! I literally screamed in my bathroom, frightening anyone within one hundred yards of my house and waking the kids.

These Boots Are Made For Walking...

But my legs were made for running.

Unfortunately my knees totally disagree. As you may have noticed, I have been complaining for the last couple weeks about how painful it is to run on my knees. I went and played tennis the other night and woke up the next morning in such pain that I couldn't walk. I finally broke down and made an appointment with my doc.

This morning was my visit and I found out that while I will live, I will also be in excruciating pain for the next couple weeks. I have damaged (not torn) both of my MCLs (Medial Collateral Ligament.)

It is the ligament that runs from the Femor to the Tibia on the medial (inside) of your knees. It is used to resist forces that would push the knees inward. It can be easily damaged by high impact, bending, or landing on a slightly bent knee.




Treatment includes pain meds, ice, complete and total rest, new shoes (hooray!) that can sustain the pressure points, and more pain meds. Eventually they will heal and I can get back to work. Until then, I will need to watch my diet and continue to do strength training for back, abs, and arms. So that I do not gain any of the weight back that I have already lost.

The moral of this story is...Do not run on an injury no matter how trivial you may think it is. I pushed through the pain because I figured I was just fat and lazy so my joints needed to catch up with my will power. But pain really is the only way your body has to tell you that something is wrong. And something was definitely wrong.

I implore you to go see your doc immediately if pain persists more than a day or two after giving it time to rest. He or she will be able to tell you why you have pain and whether you can continue to move on it or not. My doc informed today me that running on my injury has actually made it worse for me and a longer recovery time.

"What can I do about the pain then doc?" I asked him.

"Don't run away, I'll give you some samples..." he left the room and I almost laughed in his face. I wasn't about to RUN anywhere, let alone away.

I am frustrated. I am angry. I want to run. I want to be pain free. I want to be able to do the things I was doing before but I know that I just can't. If I do, I will cause more harm than good and it is possible that I will ruin it completely and I will never reach my goals.

So, I tell myself that this is merely a set back on my journey as I am sure we have all had or are right now in the middle of. I will recover and I will make it through this. I have learned from my mistake and it's time for me to just relax, take it easy, and eat my bitch mints like candy!