Get Out of the Road, Fatty!

Countdown to the Half:
Day 6:

Clearly, I have underestimated the amount of hills and lack of actual sidewalks there are in the little town in which I work. The plan was to get off work at 6pm, change clothes, and do a quick 4 mile out and back (and by quick I mean less than an hour of running.) When I started it was daylight and my choice of black spandex running tights and a black shirt was just fine (for running in at least, but it's quite possible that the viewing pleasure of others was slightly disturbed.) Unfortunately, as my mileage increased so did the darkness and my choice of attire was obviously not wise. Sometimes I forget that I live and work in the mountains and when the sun decides to go down for the night, it goes down very quickly, and it gets very dark.

You can't really tell from this pic...but those are HILLS!

I ran past all the outdoor patio eateries that we happen to have here, which is an ungodly amount for some reason, and they smell fucking delicious! Obviously the people stuffing their faces were extremely jealous of my excellent running form because they all stared at me with their mouths open and the fork frozen in place half way to their face. I seriously contemplated stealing a french fry from a few plates as I ran past...it wasn't like they needed to eat it nor would they get up and chase me.

There were a few times I was forced preferred to run in the road due to some snow stubbornly remaining in the shady parts of the sidewalk or a lack of sidewalk at all. The road I chose to run on is a main thoroughfare and I had to watch out for the people who always obey the laws and do the speed limit shitty fucking drivers.

I, of course, had my head phones in and my music blaring because I am a dissociative runner (it's a thing, I promise, look it up) and I must have distractions. I start to make my way up one of the many steep and steady hills toward the cute little town and suddenly, out of no where, I start hearing horns honking and cars start flashing their lights at me. I proceed to get so excited that I wave to each vehicle with a gigantic smile on my face and my arms flailing about as if I just won a million dollars. I think to myself, "wow, this town is just great, look how supportive they are of FBG runners!"

After a few moments I began to wonder if they were really encouraging me or just saying, "get out of the road, fatty!"

No One "Enjoys" Running

Literally, no one.

Oh, now, don't get your panties all in a rumple, hear me out.

Ask yourself if you really enjoy the act of running. The legs burning, lungs screaming, heart pounding, act of running. Or is it the after effects of the run that make you love it? The other day I took a short run on the treadmill (aka the hatemill) and found that I really, really, really, love hate running. I mean, I REALLY hate running. I love the "idea" of running and all the good things that happen after running such as weight loss, muscle building, and depression fighting. But I truly despise the act of running.

It hurts, it makes me want to vomit, I'm sore for what seems like an eternity, I hate it. Somehow, I still turn around twenty minutes later and excitedly tell my FBG fan club that I love running.

The people that perhaps do enjoy the act of running must have some sort of chemical imbalance. It's sick really. Let me list all of the things that I have found make me hate the act of running (as described by a member of the FBG fan club):


1. Chaffed nipples
2. Black toenails
3. Falling off of said toenails
4. Bounciness of fat

Please, feel free to comment below the reasons you hate running or try to convince me that you actually love running. I'd love to hear them.



Countdown to the Half Update:
I downloaded the 12 week half marathon training plan written by Hal Higdon and tweaked it to fit my needs and in ten weeks (ambitious? Possibly). You can find it here if you want to start training for your own half because I am so damned inspiring!


Day One: Today I just had to do 30 minutes of cross training. I took this to mean I could do the elliptical (aka devil incarnate) for 30 minutes. Which I did. But of course I couldn't just do that and feel any sort of accomplishment. So fan girl (mentioned earlier) and I did some light weight lifting. (And by "light weight lifting" I mean completely destroyed our arms and abs with only a little bit of work.)

Half Marathon

Shit. I've gone and done it now. I have somehow conned talked myself into running a half marathon. I'm not exactly sure what has possessed me to sign up for said half marathon. Apparently, I have lost my last ounce of sanity in nursing school and I believe I can do anything!

This is probably how the conversation with myself went:

"Hey FBG, you've been running for a couple weeks each month for the better part of a year. Maybe you can run a half?"

"Are you nuts? You know that's like 13.1 miles, probably up hill the whole time. Of course I can't run a half."

"Okay. Lets sign up for one."

"Sounds awesome. Lets do it."

And so I did. Bought and paid for. I was even so excited that they had a "finisher" medal that I wrote a training plan and it starts tomorrow. Just so you know, everything I ever "start" starts tomorrow.



I asked my friends if they wanted to join me. All 200+ of them on my friends list on Facebook were so excited that they didn't even say they would. I assume they went right out and signed up without telling me and I will see them there on the starting line. Although, I did manage to beg and plead ask one nice FBG bestie club member to sign up with me. On a serious note; she has been my rock through this whole thing. Even though we don't get to see each other much, she was always willing to take a run with me and she always stuck by my side (even though I know she can run much faster than me and she has proven it.) She may think I am insane but she will be right there with me and we both will get our clean white self-huggers at the same time!


The website says that the cut off time is 3.5 hours to run the race. "Plenty" of time for "walkers" they said. I figure it takes me an unholy hellish amount of time a little under two hours to run 7 miles. I think I will eat up every second of the 3.5 hours but I might just make it. I just might get that medal.

P.S. My new hero is T-rex runner. Click the name to read about her. Her blog is not only funny but she is basically a smaller version of me. She doesn't know it yet but we are destined to be best friends common acquaintances.

Well Crap.

First of all, it's been way too long since I've kept you all updated and posted. This is entirely my fault but I haven't given up and I trust that you're still here to read my tales no matter how long it takes me. Listen, I have news. Not great news but not bad news either. I graduate nursing school soon and the husband has paid for a cruise to the Bahamas in celebration of my accomplishment. (We are going regardless if I manage to make it through this last semester or not.)

 Here is the problem:

1. I do not have a dress for the formal dinner night. Actually, that's a lie. I DO have a dress. I just can't fit in to the damn thing. It hangs in my closet...attempting to look innocent...but it mocks me. I know it's tricks. I have not worn it since after baby number one in Hawaii. I also haven't tried it on since cruise number one in which it was way too small. Granted, I have lost a literal ton some weight since cruise number one, so I'm probably just being paranoid that it won't fit. I just don't want to take any chances of being completely heart broken if it does not. (I would be over joyed if it was too big though!)

2. It's the freakin' Bahamas...in June. It's hot. Not just hot, that's not the right word at all, but so damn hot you have to chew your air to breathe and your shoes melt to the pavement type hot. But that type of hot does not afford me permission to just run around naked. That means I have to wear shorts. This is not something that I wish upon anyone's viewing pleasures. Blonde haired, blue eyed, white girl, problems I suppose.




Here are the good points:

1. I get to go to the Bahamas again.
2. I get to RUN in the Bahamas, that is if I can get off the ship without bursting into flames.

It All Came Back

Every. Single. Pound.

Why? Well, it's easy when you stop working out. I just gave up over the winter and realized what a huge mistake it was when I gained all my weight back and then some. My self pity is at an all time high right now. My so-called "friends" who said that they would be with me through this whole thing and I thought would never leave me...have done just that. My motivation is gone. My hope of being at my goal weight, shot completely down.

I have a list of excuses that any normal human being would never fault me for not working out. Unfortunately, I am not a normal person so I blame myself for everything and take it all to heart that I am a failure. Well, I am tired of writing about my failures. It doesn't do me any good and it's boring for you so this is my new "I can do it" post instead.

I am in nursing school. Not only is it a hell of a different level it is the most difficult thing I have ever done in my entire life. Yet, it is the most rewarding thing I have ever done as well. It takes up, literally, all of my time. I haven't seen my family since August of last year when I started. A normal day of school and work can run from wake to sleep time: 0430 to 2300 if I am lucky. Since nearly all of my time is dedicated to studies I have not had time to workout, run, or even eat normally. It's time to get back into action.

I am motivated by one thing right now. I simply cannot be that nurse that consistently tells people they should lose weight and be over 200 lbs myself. It just doesn't convey that "trust me because I know what I am talking about" kind of thing. It's like a smoker telling another smoker that smoking will kill you, no kidding? Is that why you still do it?

So here it is. I am buying a Fitbit, I have done my research on it and I know that it is not completely accurate but it is something to give me some motivation to get active. It's mostly because of that competitive gene that I have that I am getting one. So that I can compete with my nursing school buddies who have one. I must do better than them. I bought a treadmill so that even if it's raining (which it does a lot here in NC during the summer) I can still take a walk or a run. I bought a bike so I don't have to run all the time. Yes, running gets boring if you are doing the same route every day and never run with friends anymore because they gave up on you. Every chance I get I am going to be moving instead of sitting. That hour spent watching TV at night will be spent still watching TV but moving on the treadmill instead.

Pity party is over as of tonight. Tomorrow I will turn on the Fitbit and get to working. I will track everything I do on Myfitnesspal app and I will drink my fruit smoothies and water all day. Wish me luck, or don't. Either way I am doing this without my "friends" and I will definitely keep the rest of you posted.

Free Stuff

Well, I have news. Apparently, this FBG blog is popular enough to receive shit in the mail that says, "please try this super crazy, mega awesome, weight loss product that's guaranteed to work without you having to change anything about your diet and exercise routine, and then blog about it." Pretty cool right? Well, the fact that I am popular enough to get free shit makes me smile. That is, until I did a little research and find out the stuff is like extreme colon blow on steroids.

Now, I'm just about willing to try anything to lose my FBG status, but this was possibly going over the line for me. So of course, without hesitation, I gave it to a friend of mine to try instead. (I would much rather put him through the agony and suffering of being a poop machine than to deal with it myself.) After six weeks of flatulence, and no colon blowing of any sort, nor was there any weight loss to speak of, we decided that it just didn't work for him.

After complaining to the company support line that the product didn't work for my friend and I would not be blogging about it, they sent me more free product as if I had been doing it wrong or something. I decided that maybe I should give it a try. I mean I had eight bottles of the stuff. Maybe it was made specially for women or maybe my volunteer did it wrong or maybe it was specific for FBG me instead of anyone else. For six weeks I took four gigantic horse pills at night about thirty minutes after my last meal. Hoping to clog my toilet the next morning.

Cut to 5:30 am. I got nothing but a trumpets echoing throughout the bathroom that first day...and everyday for the next six weeks. I lost friends but no weight and my bowel movements remained normal. I decided that wasn't going to cut it. I changed it to taking the product in the morning before my first meal. Maybe that would get everything on the right track.

Fat chance...It just plain didn't work. I am disappointed but hey, it was worth a shot, right?

Now this isn't to say that this product won't and doesn't work for someone else. I just don't believe it was meant for me to use. I'll stick with my own, historically accurate, version of healthy eating and working out in order to lose my weight.

If you want to try this product I'll send it to you for free! Just email me at fatbottomgirl2013@gmail.com and I'll be happy as a clam to send you unopened product for you to try. (This isn't a ploy to get you to use this product I am honestly just tired of seeing the bottles collecting dust on my bathroom shelves. I promise not to bombard your email with a bunch of junk mail, since I don't sell anything, that should be easy!)

**Disclaimer** I was not paid for the use or advertisement of this product. This product is not FDA approved as it is a dietary supplement. As always, please consult with your physician prior to starting any diet or exercise routine. I am not responsible for any damages to persons regarding the product and the opinions expressed in this blog are mine. Judgments were made as to the effectiveness of the product based on my own diet and exercise routine and obviously everyone is different so please don't expect a miracle product to save us all from being FBG's.

If you have used this product before feel free to let me know how it worked for you in the comments section! I'd love to meet just one person who has actually had some results.

The Hiatus and the Return to Hell

Since that fateful day in October (aka race day) I have gone down hill, fast.

My inspiration and motivation was gone and my spirit was broken. I was convinced that I was just no good and I wanted to give it all up. I wasn't losing the weight fast enough and those who were once proud of me and encouraging had stopped being so helpful. I continued to run each day but my heart was no longer in it. The depression monster came back and weaved its dark shadows through my very soul and even a new pair of running shoes couldn't take me out of its grasp this time. Not to mention that the weather turned cold very quickly and if you remember how much I hate early morning runs then you'll be happy to know I despise cold runs too!


Thanksgiving day I was scheduled to run another 5K but this time I had not trained properly for it and I was dreading it with a passion. I had gone from running four or five miles at a time, five days a week, to doing intervals only a couple times a week (a mixture of walking and sprinting.) It improved my stamina and time on the distance runs but I couldn't get past this block that I had put up. My brain wouldn't focus on getting the job done and eventually I went from intervals to walking only. Then I just stopped working out all together which killed me because about the time that I would normally go for a run my legs would turn to fire. What doctors call restless leg syndrome.

When my running partner sprained her ankle a couple days before the race I totally used this as my excuse not to go. I also used it as my excuse to not run for the next three weeks as well. I don't regret not going to the race though. That morning it was 19 degrees! OMFG! I regret that I had pretty much given up on myself and was starting to feel guilty. Really guilty, which made it all that much worse, and now I really didn't want to workout any more. That is until I went back to work and an old friend that I hadn't seen or spoken to since October called me up and conned me into asked me nicely to join her at the gym today for something called "bootcamp".

(Side note: I've been to bootcamp and I didn't like it then either!)

I was excited to go but I was also nervous. I was worried that I would be the only Fat Bottom Girl there and I didn't want to make a complete fool of myself. I told myself that if she could do it then I sure as hell could do it too. I showed up at 8:45 am (I know right?! A morning workout?! WTF was I thinking?!) and met her at the door. She greeted me with that shit eating grin of hers and asked me if I was ready.

"Fuck no I'm not....Let's go in, I'm already here." I replied. It was 22 degrees and I just wanted to get indoors.

9 am the workout from hell started. My heart thumped in my chest so hard I was afraid it was going to flop out onto the floor. My legs were burning so much they could've started a forest fire and to top it all off I couldn't breathe. I heaved to suck in air, hoping to get the much needed oxygen to my O2 starved limbs to no avail. I was just going to have to suffer through it or pass the fuck out.

Just then the four foot nothing, beast of a woman barked into her headset to take a break and get some water. Thank God! Glancing at my watch on the way to my water bottle...9:05 am. That was just the warm-up. Sweet baby Jesus I was in for 55 more minutes of this hellish torture.

I made it through with only a couple bumps and bruises. I didn't pass out, I didn't puke, I did do the entire workout, and I did finish it without bitching, not one single time. (I couldn't breathe well enough to bitch or I probably would have.) Five minutes after the workout I signed up for the gym membership and I have dedicated myself to go three days a week and still do a run on the weekends. It's time to get back on track and get back to work! Thanks buddy (you know who you are) for giving me that call!!

And the After

Today was the day. It was race day.

I promised to post the before and after picture on the day of the race. (If you don't remember here is the post.) Tonight was the first annual Night of the Ghouls 5K that my friends and I had been training for. I've sat back and watched as each one of them has given up or quit because it was too hard. I don't blame them at all. If it wasn't for the support and encouragement I received from friends and family I would've quit too. It is hard to change your entire life, your way of living. I know, I've done it. Without a support system everyone is bound to fail.

I keep getting messages that I am the inspiration for someone to get off the couch. While I love hearing those sorts of things I can't be your only reason for doing it. You need to make that decision for yourself and for your life. Working out, losing weight, being a completely different you, this is a change that in order to stick you have to be motivated by reasons much deeper than you see me doing it. For months now I've been sweating and beating myself into the ground for this one race, when in actuality, I've changed my entire life. Not necessarily for this one race but for all the races I'll ever run, because I want to see my kids graduate college and have babies of their own and see those kids graduate college. I want to live as long as I possibly can and I simply cannot do that if I can't even tie my own shoes without being short of breath.

Not everyone has quit because it was too hard. One of my friends, that I was so very proud of for even trying, had to pull out because of an injury just two days ago. (She happened to be in my head as my first competitor. I looked at her as if that skinny bottom girl could do it then I had to beat her as a fat bottom girl right? Does that mean I win by forfeit?) I'm disappointed she made the decision not to race but it is for her own health and well being that she did.

As for The Punisher? (Because you all keep asking me about him!) He began a training program to run in a Thanksgiving day half marathon! He knew, after a little while, that this 5K was going to be too easy for him. Unfortunately, his body had other plans and forced him to pull out of that a couple weeks ago. So this 5K was now a recovery race for him. He finished the race in 23:03 a personal best for him and taking 6th place over all and 1st place in his age group of 30-39. I couldn't be more proud of him.

For me, it was the culmination of all that I've worked for. I finished the race in my best time for that track yet 52:43 Only 43 seconds longer than my last time. Not my best time ever unfortunately. I ran 7 miles two days ago and jacked up my knee a little so by the end of this race I was hobbling my way through the finish line. I do not plan to ever stop running but I do believe that competitive racing is out of the question for now. I'm a slow runner and I simply can't keep up with all these young athletes. That's not me giving up, that's me admitting when I have reached my limit. I love to run and a 17 minute mile run is still a mile ran. So competitively I am out of the race, but running just to say I did it, I'm totally there. Next up is a couple more 5K's and ultimately a 10K.

So here it is, the before and after stats and pictures. (Sorry the pics are so blurry, I'll do better ones next time.)

Before (June 25th, 2013):                                 After (October 19th, 2013):

Weight: 242 lbs                                                 Weight: 217 lbs
Chest: 56 in                                                       Chest: 42 in
Hips: 54 in                                                         Hips: 43 in
Waist: 54 in                                                       Waist: 49 in
BMI: 44.3                                                          BMI: 39.7

Before

After

While you may not notice a difference in the pictures. I have definitely noticed a difference in my life. I'm not out of breath when I get out of my car and come in the house. I can tie my shoes by simply bending over. I can run a total of 7 miles now without stopping when three months ago I couldn't even do 100 yards. (The thought of 7 miles back then would've killed me.) I can also walk from one end of a parking lot to another without being winded.





What I'm saying is, yes, you can do this. Anyone can do this. It doesn't matter how big, small, short, or tall you are. Weight loss is something that CAN be achieved as long as you stick with it, and trust me, you don't need some magic pill to get there. Keep yourself from being discouraged by finding yourself a weight loss buddy. If you can't find one, email me here. I'll be happy to keep you accountable and send you encouragement!

My First Official Death Race...aka the 5K

Well, I finished my very first official USATF (United States of America Track and Field) 5K and lived to tell about it.

I didn't have a time in mind to finish, I just wanted to say I did it and I didn't want to be dead last. Surprisingly, I accomplished both, so I'm pretty full of myself happy with the results. So happy, in fact, that I am doing it again this week. Not the same race of course, I have to wait until next year for that, but a night one held on the university campus.

My day started early, and by early I mean that I was awake before the rest of the entire world. Even my dogs looked at me like I was insane as they burrowed themselves back under my blankets. At 0430 everything looks bleak and the race didn't even start until 9! I contemplated just not going or going but just walking or not going and running later that night. Alas, I remembered that I was taking my six year old with me (we'll call her Bad Ass Baby Girl, BABG) and she would've been very disappointed not to see her buddy who was going to be there. So I got out of bed and took a shower. Yes, I know taking a shower before a run sounds a bit on the retarded side but hear me out, I only did it to wake myself up for the two hour drive to the race.

 BABG and I arrived just before 0730 when race registration started. A friend of mine had warned me about the pre-race potty emergencies that can happen so I headed straight to the restroom before I did anything else. Once we were registered we had a while before the race started so we made friends with a few volunteers for a while and then headed down to the starting line to stretch out and check out the competition.
 

I was feeling fine. As you may know I despise morning runs just about as much as I despise frogs, which we'll talk about that in a later post. (If you don't know about my morning run hatred you can read about it here.) But, I was feeling good. I was pumped, warmed, stretched, and good to go. The route didn't look too bad on the map, it was a full circle instead of an out and back. I was smiling and happy, right up until some old man jogged up next to me and asked if I had seen...The Hill.

"Hill? What hill?" I asked.

"The one that's behind us," he replied with a crooked smile.

I looked over my shoulder and it didn't look that bad. I shrugged and said, "No worries, this fat bottom girl has skills. I can do it."

He left me there in the wake of his laughter as he walked away. My confident smile turned to a cringe when I realized that he was laughing at me, instead of with me.

The race whistle started and we were off. BABG took off like a bullet and raced ahead of me. I just knew I wouldn't see her again until the finish line. The race started off with a gentle incline for about a tenth of a mile, no biggie, easy day. I was yet to learn how wrong I was. There was a long downhill after that where I picked up my pace and passed the walkers. It never occurred to me that I would have to gain that elevation drop back somehow. Then there was a nice and easy flat spot all the way to the end of mile one.

At the beginning of mile 2 there is a hill, not too bad, but a little steeper than I was used to. When I got to the top I figured that was it. That is until I looked up and saw it. There, just around the corner, was the biggest, steepest, hill I'd ever seen. It was a monster, it was eating up runners and speed walkers alike. The experienced runners were just getting to the top as I rounded the corner and they were...walking? Dear God the runners were walking the hill!!

I knew I was in for it. "Why did no one tell me?" I cried in confusion. I put my head down and focused on the concrete below my feet. I pushed and pushed and pushed until I couldn't take it anymore. My heart and brain hadn't given up just yet, but my legs were jello. Suddenly, I heard a small voice behind me calling my name and I realized it was BABG, she was walking it and barely faster than a crawl. I took her hand and we pushed up the rest of it together, at a walk. This beast of a hill is nearly a mile long and it feeds on the blood and sweat of inexperienced runners like myself.

Once we reached the top, the volunteers gave us water and made sure we were okay. Luckily, the rest of the way was downhill and just a little tiny hill at the end to get back to the finish line. BABG took off ahead of me again once I mentioned there was ice cream at the end. She finished at 57 minutes flat while I dragged ass behind her at 58:15.

I fucking finished it, goal one complete. Out of 158 competitive runners, I was 153, I wasn't dead last, goal two complete. My reward? Olive Garden with my buddy!!

What now, you ask? Now, I get to work on my time and figure out a way to demolish that hill next year.

Come Take a Run with Me

I hate running in the early morning. Yes, it's much cooler, there's less people (judging the fat bottom girl as she wheezes by), and less chance of running into someone you know on the road. I just have zero motivation and my confidence level is at an all time low at that time. I have never been a morning person and it's possible that I never will be. I run in the evenings or afternoons because that is when my energy and motivation is at its highest. (Don't ask me why, I have no idea, but if you find yourself dreading a run in the morning try doing it later in the day and see how you feel.)

That being said, I decided to take a run this morning when it was nice and foggy and cool outside. Mistake #1. I didn't make it a half mile before my ankles started to burn, my left knee started to ache, my brain started telling me to turn back and go home, and my lungs began their incessant protesting as well. Despite my aches and pains I kept going for another half mile before I just gave up, turning it into mistake #2. I couldn't possibly contend with all of them at the same time with two more miles to go. I ended up walking the rest at a pretty good clip just to spite myself. I'm sure I looked like quite the entertaining fool out there, with my headphones in, cursing myself, and calling myself names.

I did finish my normal 3 miles but I am not exactly happy about it today. Although, it did give me a chance to take some pictures though so you can come on a run with me! Each place is a checkpoint in my head, that I tell myself "if you can just make it to this place then you can take a break". I don't usually get to take a break because I already have the next check point in my head and I'm telling myself the same thing, over and over again, until I finish and get back to my car.





First checkpoint is the Nickajack Bridge (Yup, you read that right.) It crosses over the river which means it's a frickin' bitch an awesome uphill slope to this point. Just about a half mile into the run. I know if I can make it to this point there is a downhill I can make up speed on the other side.

Next checkpoint is Nonah Bridge. A cute little covered bridge that crosses back over the river a little over the half mile point. I would normally find this place an attractive spot for romance and all things pretty, but at this point in my run I am wondering what exactly I was thinking and cussing all the people passing me.






Downhill slope again after that bridge and flat area. I can't really say that I like the flat areas because I am forced to move this fat body all on my own. Downhill is much more favorable for me.









 
Holy bejeesus, we're almost to the half way point! Just a little but more to go. There is a little sign at the beginning of this graveled area that I am so happy to see every time that I nearly cry! (Not really, but you get the idea.)








And there it is. The half way point. 1.55 miles from the starting line! I'm always happy to see this but then I realize that I have to make the run back...because that is where my car is.






On the run back I notice (and I'm always surprised) that there is a bit of a downhill slope that for most of the way that allows me to take a longer stride, which quickens my pace for the run back (as opposed to my short stubby movements I qualify as running.)

Because I get distracted easily...here's the bunny friend I made today. (Better than the snake my friend and I saw yesterday!)











When I see this little bridge come in to view I know the finish line is just ahead.

And there it is. The end of my run, the most beautiful metal pole I've ever seen. The other runners think I'm crazy when I run to it with open arms and kiss it as if I just returned from war. (Again, an exaggeration people, come on.)









I hope you enjoyed our run together today. Perhaps you can join me this evening when I go back to do it again.

The Chub Rub

I went for a run with a friend the other day and she informed me a few days later that she had acquired "The Chub Rub". I, of course, had no idea what she was talking about and immediately burst into laughter. Obviously, I had to ask what it was and apparently it is any part of your body or clothing that rubs against your skin causing friction, irritation, skin loss, and even pain. Basically, when fat bottom girls run, their whole body rubs against itself and this "Chub Rub" can occur. For women, it can occur on the thighs (usually), in the crotch area, and under the breasts, although it can occur other places as well. For men? Well, let's just say it is as unpleasant for them as it is for us. It's like a diaper rash for adults.

I had not personally experienced this hell yet because I normally wear men's biker shorts and a really tight sports bra when I run, preventing the friction. However, when my first pair of biker shorts fell apart at the seams I resorted to using a regular pair of shorts. I then knew what holy hellfire awaited me exactly one day later when I attempted to go for a run again.

The pain was indescribable. It's as if you have torn away layer upon layer of your precious skin and the nerve endings have nothing better to do but shoot pain signals to your brain. Even the slightest touch of clothing on the area is excrutiating. Immediately after my run I went to the store and bought a new pair of biker shorts, powder, bandages, A&D ointment, Vaseline, and deodorant. All the items that were recommended to me as I limped around the track. I was going to try everything to heal this Grand Canyon sized open wound. (Actually, it was more like the size of a nail head but you would've thought I'd lost a limb from the way I was bitching about it.)


They all worked of course, A&D to heal the skin and prevented the friction, Vaseline too. The powder and deodorant absorbed the sweat, the bandages kept my clothing from rubbing against the sore, and of course my trusty new biker shorts were and still are a life saver.

I will never again run without my biker shorts. I recommend them to any fat bottom girl (or boy) who has decided to start running. Even The Punisher has started wearing them and he can't thank me enough. Get the ones that are made to absorb the sweat away from your skin and you'll never again get the dreaded Chub Rub. Or you can follow the advice of a duck, who doesn't run.

The Longest Run

Four weeks ago, The Punisher took me on my first run. The road was flat, the temperature was perfect, and I was ready. Then...I was heaving, sucking air like a banshee, and barely able to lift my feet off the ground.

I didn't even make it 100 yards. He pushed and pushed but I could only make a run for a few yards at a time and we only did a mile in total. I was disappointed in myself, I wanted to crawl under a rock and hide forever. Problem was...there isn't a rock big enough for this FBG.

After a couple weeks of sporadic mile long run/walks at home I did a run that was a killer up hill battle and I injured my knee. I couldn't run anymore. I wanted to but I just couldn't. I have slowly been in recovery since then. But a couple days ago I was able to do an actual run with The Punisher again. It was a little less than a mile and the very same killer hill.

I did it.

Finally.

It sucked.

Mostly.



I was so proud of myself for finishing it because I did the whole thing without stopping and only had to walk halfway up the killer hill, the rest was a run at a 17 minute pace. Not bad for a fat girl huh?

Today I planned a longer run. I wanted to see if I could go farther than I ever have before and I wanted to work on my pace. I brought a friend with me this time who had never run before, I was about to get the challenge I needed to push myself. I just had to beat her, no matter how fast (or slow) she went, I had to be faster and get there first. It was my own little personal challenge.

I got to prove my stuff to her that after only two weeks of running I could do this. To show her that it was never easy but look what I can do now and you can too with just a little dedication. (Of course, my super duper flying shoes helped too!) It was nice knowing that a girl who is nearly two times smaller than me is definitely not as fit as I am after only a month of exercise. Imagine the possibilities!

1.66 miles later, heaving and sucking air like a banshee, I made it. I had to walk a couple times with my friend. I also did not make it up the new killer hill at the end of my run but I did try, next time I will defeat it. My friend was ready to kill me for pushing her so far and so hard. (I'd be willing to bet she challenged herself to beat me. Which is fine, except I wouldn't have let it happen.)

Shame is Not Motivation

I came across a post on my timeline for Facebook yesterday that got my blood pressure to top out more than a good workout!

There is a man who is secretly filming the overweight and elderly residents of my gentle little town and making mean and hurtful comments on the videos about them. You do not see his face, you just hear his hateful troll of a voice the entire time. Instead of talking to these people, he hides behind trees and bushes and as he films he berates these poor people behind their backs and hides behind his camera. While there are plenty of moral and medical reasons as to why this would inappropriate to the large people of my town there is also the fact that he isn't doing anything to help them about their weight or motivating them to do anything about it either.

Motivation does not come from shame. Ever.

As an FBG, and a resident of the county he is secretly filming I am so frustrated that he is walking my streets. He mentions in one of his videos that he does a Navy SEAL workout. I highly doubt this. Most likely he found something online that incorporates the same exercises we can all do and it was labeled a SEAL workout. As a Navy Sailor myself this infuriated me.

I posted a comment to his youtube videos which received no response from him. I also sent him a message on Facebook (listed below, in full force so excuse the language used) which has received no response as well.

This man is attempting to open a fitness center in my humble little town. I implore my readers to flag his videos and ask that they be taken down. I also ask that you never, ever, visit any of his listed websites. Normally I would NEVER bring attention to something like this so as not to garner him more satisfaction. Unfortunately, it affects the people of my town, my friends, and my family. I cannot allow this to continue and I ask that you, my readers please help me get his videos taken down. Sign in to youtube and go here to get the list of his videos. Feel free to leave a comment on his videos too. The ones labeled "Obesity Reigns in Macon County 1" all the way through 6 need to be flagged.

"As a former US Navy Sailor, you sir are a cunt. I'm a fat girl of Macon County and I've been working my ass off to lose my weight. In doing so I've motivated several others to join me. THAT is how you get others to join you, to be healthy, to run. What you have done is wrong and bordering on pedophilia. What makes you so fucking special? Sounds to me like you are a fat guy yourself. Perhaps you should join ME on my two a day workouts and see how you feel. You are scum. Take your sick videos down, stop filming people, and motivate people in other ways. I could bring my actual Navy SEAL buddies to one of your workouts if you wish and we can see if you can hang with them? Except they wouldn't ridicule you, make fun of you, film you at your most vulnerable, for not being able to finish their daily routine. Be a man."

UPDATE: I did receive a response to the youtube post.

"I just wanted to let you know that I am shooting these videos as ABC news has expressed interest in doing a story on OBESITY here. I am formerly of CBS news. We are only using the numbers shared with your OWN health department they showed us that speaks the FACTS."

UPDATE #2 (My response):

"While they may be the FACTS as you so state. The way you have gone about belittling this town, this community, is ridiculous! I have seen more tasteful stories done on obesity from the news before, what you are doing is just flat wrong. Your statements on these videos are derived from a place of hate instead of compassion. I could care less your affiliations within the news community. You're a pompous ass that thinks he is better than everyone else. I have three kids, workout twice a day, go to school full time, and work full time. I don't run on the greenway because my job has it's own gym in the building. I'm still a fat girl and my excuses are my own and none of your business. Motivation can never come from shame!"

Update #3:

Congratulations! He took down his videos from youtube. Great job guys. Great job.

Depression and New Shoes

There is a depression that comes when you are not able to workout like you have been for the last three weeks. It takes over your entire life like a virus that you cannot seem to get rid of. It attaches to your soul and tells you horrible things like, "I knew you weren't good enough" and "see? I told you. You are just too fat. You should give up all together."

This depression virus latched onto me and nearly had me talked in to giving up...again. But this time I had something on my side that everyone should have. A superhero, in my mind, that infused me with positivity and hope. Let's just say that The Punisher doesn't always punish. Sometimes he is kind, gentle, rewarding, and he can give you that one extra little push to get out there and just keep doing what you do.

So I did. I got out there and kept lifting, kept working, kept sweating. Eventually after a week of not using my knees for anything but walking from one place to another, I was able to get up on the elliptical with no pain for thirty minutes. I did that for a few days twice a day. Then today I was able to do an hour with no pain. I can walk with no pain too. I even did a tester jogging lap around the gym this morning and it twinged a little bit so I stopped but I know that one day very soon I will get back to running.

In order to prepare myself for that one day. I had to go buy a new pair of shoes for the occasion. Remember docs orders to buy new shoes? I totally did that this weekend and what a relief! I enjoyed every second of the 3 hour trip to the running store and back. (If you live in the Asheville area I totally recommend Jus' Running. The people there are experts at running and shoes, ask them anything and I bet they have an answer! Plus they can deal with my smart ass and my smart ass friends and that's the way to get my business.)

The cool sticker I got for Punisher

When I walked in the running store (that deals specifically with shoes and running) I knew exactly what was going to happen.

"Hello. How can I help you?" the owner asked me.

"Oh, I am in need of a pair of good running shoes. Do you guys carry those?"

The look on his face was priceless. He knew he was in for a long two hours with my friends and I. He just shook his head and showed us to the shoes. He knew exactly what I needed within seconds of watching me walk a few steps and got me the perfect shoe.

What can a new pair of shoes do for you?

They can brighten your spirit and make you feel like your flying. They give you a chance to show just how cool and awesome you really are. They can also show a part of your personality that has been hidden beneath the layers of fat you have built up over the years. The louder in color they are the better runner you are, I swear, I wouldn't make this stuff up!

So here they are in all their depression beating glory. I have a shirt that matches that bright ass yellow on the soles too. I can't wait to get out there and for you to join me!

10 lbs

This morning was a bit of a shocker. I have been completely depressed for the last couple days since seeing my doc about not being able to do any cardio whatsoever. I can't run, I can't walk, I can't even do the elliptical, I've been watching my friends run and play, and I have just been whiny and sad the whole time. (I know, an FBG complaining that she isn't allowed to get off her ass? What is this world coming to?)

Finally, last night I'd had enough whining and got off my ass and went to the gym. I am allowed to do upper body strength training so I completely destroyed my abs and my arms. It felt good to kick my own ass and get out there again. I missed the aches and pains of weight lifting and the day after feeling of mild soreness.

Yes, I am still depressed that I can't run or do any cardio but here's the thing, even with all my bitching and whining, I have reached my first goal of LOSING 10 pounds.

I stepped on the ever dreaded scale this morning and there it was. A little arrow that pointed down and a great big 10! I literally screamed in my bathroom, frightening anyone within one hundred yards of my house and waking the kids.

Joggin' for Frogmen 5K

My Bib for the Virtual 5K

Sunday was the Joggin' for Frogmen 5K race. I was representing the great state of North Carolina and Crushin' it for JT.

As a virtual racer the point was to get out and run the 5K whenever you could on that day. Unfortunately, I have injured my knee so I was unable to do the actual running part. (Not that I was looking forward to running a 5K so soon after getting off my ass starting to run).

Due to my injury (too much, too soon) I have to do low impact walking or some other type of easy cardio to keep the pressure off my knee. (We will talk about knees and how to take care of them in another post.)

FBG and The Punisher

I did however, get up early and go workout with my Punisher and used the Elliptical for 30 minutes. Using the Elliptical tends to make me sweat more than if I were to actually run which sometimes makes me feel like I am doing more work but I found that I burn just about the same amount of calories using the machine as I would running.

Thank you to everyone who donated to the cause. Your support will help families of the fallen US Navy SEALs and other Veterans nationwide.

Hills...Nature's Way of Saying, "Because, Fuck You."

I hate hills.

I don't care if they are small, long, steep, or gentle slopes that meander. I hate them. When I am running I dread coming up to the bottom of the hill. As I gasp for breath I look up and see that the top just keeps stretching farther and farther from my view and it goes on and on. Like the hallway scene in that movie "The Shinning."

It's terrible! Horrible! Because they hate me! Stupid hills.

This is the last hill before I get back to my house. This is the hardest hill I have on my run. There are around 7 hills in total out and back. But this one kicks my butt every time. It doesn't look bad right? So innocent and unassuming. That is until you get up to it and start your jog up it. Then it turns into some seventh level of hell with no end in sight!

And I met a new friend. This is her. She is always there to greet me when I get to my turn around point and I catch my breath but this was the first time she let me pet her. Tomorrow I shall bring her a carrot!

The Before...

You know those before and after pictures you see every where for every thing from weight loss to acne medication? I have come to despise them. It depicts people in the worst times of their lives and, as someone who was picked on all throughout her school age years, I can only imagine the names these poor people were called. They hate themselves and what they look like because someone shitty CEO of some shitty company told them that they aren't pretty enough or skinny enough. And WE believe them.

Of course we do! We want to believe them, we want to be someone totally different from who we are! They promised that if we use their products (not approved by the FDA) we will magically lose weight overnight and finally be skinny enough (results not typical)! Who wouldn't want that?

Well, I've tried nearly everything out there and nothing, literally not a single one of them, has worked. I followed all of the directions to a Tee and would maybe lose a couple pounds here and there. Alas, nothing made me lose weight overnight and I sure as hell didn't make me any prettier.

Don't get me wrong. I am totally comfortable with the person that I am. I am smart, I love animals and my friends and family, I love to tease people and be teased in return, I have a smart mouth that goes along with my quick sense of humor. I have a belief system that has nothing to do with a god and I trust in myself. That doesn't mean I have to like the way I look. Which I don't obviously. So I did it right. I went and talked to my doctor who told me what I need to do. Funny how I already knew what he was going to say.

"FBG you need to stop all of these fad diets, you're making it worse. Just eat right! No more fast food, period. No more soda, quit smoking, eat more salad and less bread, eat less red meat and more greens. Then after you do that, I want you to start exercising. Everyday."

"Everyday?!?"

"Yes. Every. Single. Day. And for the rest of your life," he told me. I was not happy with this decision but I am slowly making these changes.

So if I have to do this for the rest of my life I figured I'd better get started and I did. At least I have The Punisher helping me with the exercise every single day. I haven't had fast food and I quit smoking on June 25th of this year, my birthday. Here is my BEFORE picture taken just last night. I have lost two pounds from my heaviest weight of 242 pounds. The day of the 5K I will post the BEFORE and AFTER picture.

I Made a Friend

Last night was brutal. I made a huge mistake in recruiting a motivator who I will now refer to as "The Punisher." He listens to my whining but doesn't care, he ignores my sailor mouth, and has pushed me farther than I have ever been willing to go by myself. The bastard.

Here is an idea of my 60 minute workout: 3.0 miles on the recumbent bike (just to work up a sweat, a "warm-up" he calls it!) lunges, squats, a wall bounce thing that works your calves and ankles, 1 round of suicides (this gem of enlightenment had never been attempted by one FBG such as myself. Pretty sure I died there on that basketball court and my next of kin was already notified.) We did line hops, first forward and back then side to side, (also a giant pain in my ass amazingly enjoyable.) A short game of basketball was played thereafter which I was able to hide in a corner somewhere because I do not play. I did some curls, (with actual weights mind you!) and finally was able to sneak out before The Punisher was able to find something else for me to do.


After all that and about eight hours of recovery sleep, I decided to take a run this morning. 2.2 miles, uphill both ways (I am the only person on the planet that can find a road that is literally uphill in every direction), but I made a friend. He was a nice little friend, just crossing the road in front of me on one of the gentle inclines of my run. Yellow and black he hid in the grass after he raced across the road trying to beat the oncoming traffic.

I don't know about you, but when I run I generally think about things. Mostly they are things that are funny. Trust me, everything is funny when your legs are on fire and your lungs feel like they have collapsed. Even Marc Parent who authors the Newbie Chronicles on Runner's World thinks 'funny' is funnier when running, especially stupid things. So after meeting my little friend I asked myself, "Why did the turtle cross the road?"

Now, to a normal non-running person this would seem like the beginning of a joke for a small child. I assure you that this is not how my mind works. The answers to that very simple question ranged from the extremely mild "to get to the otherside" type jokes to "because some asshole keeps turning me around and taking me back to where I started!" to even "because the chicken I just slept with is back that way!"

By the end of my little tirade of answers to myself I was cracking up, out of breath, with legs burning like the lava fields in Hawaii. I made it all the way home on that little find, thank you my little friend! Hopefully I will make another friend tonight when I meet up with The Punisher again.

Let's Talk About Running.

Okay. Here's the thing. I am NOT a runner, never have been. I actually despise anything that makes me breathe hard and my muscles ache. Even SEX gets on my nerves sometimes (that's a lie.) Hence, not a runner.

Saturday was my first run since my 2001 Navy Physical Readiness Test, not including the fiasco I did a couple months ago. I was positive that I could at least run 1.5 miles with no problem. I mean I could do it 11 years ago without a problem, right?. (The PRT is a 1.5 mile run that had to be completed in 13 minutes and 30 seconds to pass, and just barely pass at that. Being the bare minimum kind of FBG, that was my time.)

So, after a LONG boring day at my 3x3 cubicle desk job it was time to meet up with my new 5K training buddies. I put on my spandex shorts (covered by another pair of loose shorts so as not to offend anyone,) a cool new running shirt (it doesn't absorb sweat so it prevents chafing,) and my brand spankin' new runnin' shoes (recommended by the skinny bitch at the shoe store.) I was ready to go. I felt great! I avoided mirrors at all costs, so of course I looked great too!

I arrived early to our designated meeting area, right near the McDonalds. (Thanks assholes. Who the hell meets near McDonalds before a run?) I stretched a little, looking like I probably knew what I was doing, and waited patiently for my friends to arrive. Once they did, we complained and whined for twenty minutes talked and joked a little but then it was time to get down to business.

How does one start running? Do you start walking then move your way up to a run? Do you just skip start and then run? Do you do that weird trip/fall/run thing? I had no clue. I opted for the walking and moving my legs faster until I was running approach and so did my friends. All runners will tell you that for a nice, comfortable, pace you need to be able to say a complete sentence without being too much out of breath. Well with this FBG any sort of walking fast or jogging will put me out of breath and unable to speak coherently. Usually it's filled with a bunch of cuss words strung together to make a sentence only sailors can understand. Eventually I got into a pace that was easy enough for me to keep and hard enough to feel the energy being used. It felt pretty good to get out there running. I was on fire! I wanted to keep going! I was ready to take on anything!

.10 miles later I was huffing and puffing, dragging my feet, and barely able to lift my arms. I cursed the heavens and I am pretty sure I was stuck in a level of hell attained by only those who are are Reese's Peanut Butter loving sinners. (Yes, I am hoping that you didn't notice the little point before the 10 so you're thinking "OMG you ran ten miles? That's GREAT." Yeah, I did that on purpose.) I did run a total of at least half a mile. Pretty good for someone who has to heft around 240 lbs.

I am a little sore, a little tired, and to top it all off...I'm doing it again tomorrow!