Free Stuff

Well, I have news. Apparently, this FBG blog is popular enough to receive shit in the mail that says, "please try this super crazy, mega awesome, weight loss product that's guaranteed to work without you having to change anything about your diet and exercise routine, and then blog about it." Pretty cool right? Well, the fact that I am popular enough to get free shit makes me smile. That is, until I did a little research and find out the stuff is like extreme colon blow on steroids.

Now, I'm just about willing to try anything to lose my FBG status, but this was possibly going over the line for me. So of course, without hesitation, I gave it to a friend of mine to try instead. (I would much rather put him through the agony and suffering of being a poop machine than to deal with it myself.) After six weeks of flatulence, and no colon blowing of any sort, nor was there any weight loss to speak of, we decided that it just didn't work for him.

After complaining to the company support line that the product didn't work for my friend and I would not be blogging about it, they sent me more free product as if I had been doing it wrong or something. I decided that maybe I should give it a try. I mean I had eight bottles of the stuff. Maybe it was made specially for women or maybe my volunteer did it wrong or maybe it was specific for FBG me instead of anyone else. For six weeks I took four gigantic horse pills at night about thirty minutes after my last meal. Hoping to clog my toilet the next morning.

Cut to 5:30 am. I got nothing but a trumpets echoing throughout the bathroom that first day...and everyday for the next six weeks. I lost friends but no weight and my bowel movements remained normal. I decided that wasn't going to cut it. I changed it to taking the product in the morning before my first meal. Maybe that would get everything on the right track.

Fat chance...It just plain didn't work. I am disappointed but hey, it was worth a shot, right?

Now this isn't to say that this product won't and doesn't work for someone else. I just don't believe it was meant for me to use. I'll stick with my own, historically accurate, version of healthy eating and working out in order to lose my weight.

If you want to try this product I'll send it to you for free! Just email me at fatbottomgirl2013@gmail.com and I'll be happy as a clam to send you unopened product for you to try. (This isn't a ploy to get you to use this product I am honestly just tired of seeing the bottles collecting dust on my bathroom shelves. I promise not to bombard your email with a bunch of junk mail, since I don't sell anything, that should be easy!)

**Disclaimer** I was not paid for the use or advertisement of this product. This product is not FDA approved as it is a dietary supplement. As always, please consult with your physician prior to starting any diet or exercise routine. I am not responsible for any damages to persons regarding the product and the opinions expressed in this blog are mine. Judgments were made as to the effectiveness of the product based on my own diet and exercise routine and obviously everyone is different so please don't expect a miracle product to save us all from being FBG's.

If you have used this product before feel free to let me know how it worked for you in the comments section! I'd love to meet just one person who has actually had some results.

Come Take a Run with Me

I hate running in the early morning. Yes, it's much cooler, there's less people (judging the fat bottom girl as she wheezes by), and less chance of running into someone you know on the road. I just have zero motivation and my confidence level is at an all time low at that time. I have never been a morning person and it's possible that I never will be. I run in the evenings or afternoons because that is when my energy and motivation is at its highest. (Don't ask me why, I have no idea, but if you find yourself dreading a run in the morning try doing it later in the day and see how you feel.)

That being said, I decided to take a run this morning when it was nice and foggy and cool outside. Mistake #1. I didn't make it a half mile before my ankles started to burn, my left knee started to ache, my brain started telling me to turn back and go home, and my lungs began their incessant protesting as well. Despite my aches and pains I kept going for another half mile before I just gave up, turning it into mistake #2. I couldn't possibly contend with all of them at the same time with two more miles to go. I ended up walking the rest at a pretty good clip just to spite myself. I'm sure I looked like quite the entertaining fool out there, with my headphones in, cursing myself, and calling myself names.

I did finish my normal 3 miles but I am not exactly happy about it today. Although, it did give me a chance to take some pictures though so you can come on a run with me! Each place is a checkpoint in my head, that I tell myself "if you can just make it to this place then you can take a break". I don't usually get to take a break because I already have the next check point in my head and I'm telling myself the same thing, over and over again, until I finish and get back to my car.





First checkpoint is the Nickajack Bridge (Yup, you read that right.) It crosses over the river which means it's a frickin' bitch an awesome uphill slope to this point. Just about a half mile into the run. I know if I can make it to this point there is a downhill I can make up speed on the other side.

Next checkpoint is Nonah Bridge. A cute little covered bridge that crosses back over the river a little over the half mile point. I would normally find this place an attractive spot for romance and all things pretty, but at this point in my run I am wondering what exactly I was thinking and cussing all the people passing me.






Downhill slope again after that bridge and flat area. I can't really say that I like the flat areas because I am forced to move this fat body all on my own. Downhill is much more favorable for me.









 
Holy bejeesus, we're almost to the half way point! Just a little but more to go. There is a little sign at the beginning of this graveled area that I am so happy to see every time that I nearly cry! (Not really, but you get the idea.)








And there it is. The half way point. 1.55 miles from the starting line! I'm always happy to see this but then I realize that I have to make the run back...because that is where my car is.






On the run back I notice (and I'm always surprised) that there is a bit of a downhill slope that for most of the way that allows me to take a longer stride, which quickens my pace for the run back (as opposed to my short stubby movements I qualify as running.)

Because I get distracted easily...here's the bunny friend I made today. (Better than the snake my friend and I saw yesterday!)











When I see this little bridge come in to view I know the finish line is just ahead.

And there it is. The end of my run, the most beautiful metal pole I've ever seen. The other runners think I'm crazy when I run to it with open arms and kiss it as if I just returned from war. (Again, an exaggeration people, come on.)









I hope you enjoyed our run together today. Perhaps you can join me this evening when I go back to do it again.

Depression and New Shoes

There is a depression that comes when you are not able to workout like you have been for the last three weeks. It takes over your entire life like a virus that you cannot seem to get rid of. It attaches to your soul and tells you horrible things like, "I knew you weren't good enough" and "see? I told you. You are just too fat. You should give up all together."

This depression virus latched onto me and nearly had me talked in to giving up...again. But this time I had something on my side that everyone should have. A superhero, in my mind, that infused me with positivity and hope. Let's just say that The Punisher doesn't always punish. Sometimes he is kind, gentle, rewarding, and he can give you that one extra little push to get out there and just keep doing what you do.

So I did. I got out there and kept lifting, kept working, kept sweating. Eventually after a week of not using my knees for anything but walking from one place to another, I was able to get up on the elliptical with no pain for thirty minutes. I did that for a few days twice a day. Then today I was able to do an hour with no pain. I can walk with no pain too. I even did a tester jogging lap around the gym this morning and it twinged a little bit so I stopped but I know that one day very soon I will get back to running.

In order to prepare myself for that one day. I had to go buy a new pair of shoes for the occasion. Remember docs orders to buy new shoes? I totally did that this weekend and what a relief! I enjoyed every second of the 3 hour trip to the running store and back. (If you live in the Asheville area I totally recommend Jus' Running. The people there are experts at running and shoes, ask them anything and I bet they have an answer! Plus they can deal with my smart ass and my smart ass friends and that's the way to get my business.)

The cool sticker I got for Punisher

When I walked in the running store (that deals specifically with shoes and running) I knew exactly what was going to happen.

"Hello. How can I help you?" the owner asked me.

"Oh, I am in need of a pair of good running shoes. Do you guys carry those?"

The look on his face was priceless. He knew he was in for a long two hours with my friends and I. He just shook his head and showed us to the shoes. He knew exactly what I needed within seconds of watching me walk a few steps and got me the perfect shoe.

What can a new pair of shoes do for you?

They can brighten your spirit and make you feel like your flying. They give you a chance to show just how cool and awesome you really are. They can also show a part of your personality that has been hidden beneath the layers of fat you have built up over the years. The louder in color they are the better runner you are, I swear, I wouldn't make this stuff up!

So here they are in all their depression beating glory. I have a shirt that matches that bright ass yellow on the soles too. I can't wait to get out there and for you to join me!

The Punisher and His Punishment

The Punisher did it! He broke down and made the unexpected leap into My Hero-ville. Here is what he had to say about his journey. (Posted with permission.)

"I’ve been dreading it for weeks, but last night I decided to put myself through the 5k test and see how I’d do.  I’ve never ran three consecutive miles without stopping or walking in my life.

The dreadmill was set for no time limit, 4.5 speed, 2% grade, 3.1 mile length.

I was able to do it in 39:03, and then did a 2 minute cooldown at 2.5mph. 

Here’s what to take from this.

·         I was 275lbs not very long ago, and have never been a “runner” in my life.

·         I am living, literally, the couch-to-5k life right now.  Compounded by sitting on my rump in an office all day.  WE ALL ARE living this right now.

Photo Courtesy of The Punisher

·         If I can do this, YOU can do this.  You literally just have to make yourself get out there and do it.

·         Envision what you want, and make it happen.  Just…. do it.

My goal is 175lbs and a six-pack tummy by next Summer. 

My goal is going swimming next Summer at the pool and not being embarrassed to take my shirt off.

My goal is living a very, very long time.  Watching my son and little girls graduate.  Walking my daughters down the aisle at their weddings.  Seeing them have children of their own.  Being as healthy as I can be, for as long as I can be."

So yup, he's totally my hero. Without his motivation and inspiration I know I wouldn't be where I am. I couldn't be more proud (and envious) of him than I am right now. He did a great thing and he should be proud that he accomplished so much in just a few months. Now, I guess it's my turn.

Hills...Nature's Way of Saying, "Because, Fuck You."

I hate hills.

I don't care if they are small, long, steep, or gentle slopes that meander. I hate them. When I am running I dread coming up to the bottom of the hill. As I gasp for breath I look up and see that the top just keeps stretching farther and farther from my view and it goes on and on. Like the hallway scene in that movie "The Shinning."

It's terrible! Horrible! Because they hate me! Stupid hills.

This is the last hill before I get back to my house. This is the hardest hill I have on my run. There are around 7 hills in total out and back. But this one kicks my butt every time. It doesn't look bad right? So innocent and unassuming. That is until you get up to it and start your jog up it. Then it turns into some seventh level of hell with no end in sight!

And I met a new friend. This is her. She is always there to greet me when I get to my turn around point and I catch my breath but this was the first time she let me pet her. Tomorrow I shall bring her a carrot!

Where to Start?

So, you've decided to start running. Congratulations! That's excellent news.

Where do you start? From the beginning of course. Where else would you start?

Me? Oh I started from the VERY beginning. I didn't just throw on a pair of old shoes and sweats and hustle out the door. Oh no. I started much slower than that! It's the little changes in your daily life that make the grade. Not sudden and intense intervals. Those eventually lead to failure!

First. I got out of bed. Yup. That's exactly right and the first step! I couldn't possibly run while in the fetal position now could I? (Although, that would be amazing if we could right?) Then, and this is very important, I tripped over the damn dogs and stepped on every mother F^$&ing damn lego in the house sauntered my way into the bathroom. Sauntering is indeed very important. I made sure to rub the sleep from my eyes and complete the three S's (shit, shower, shave, not necessarily in that order, although it is preferable.)

Once I completed those tasks for about a week I picked up another daily habit. I started flossing. Every. Single. Day. This added about five minutes to my morning routine but it felt good to actually complete something my dentist told me I should be doing all my life. (Again, with the "rest of your life" thing. I think these doctors are trying to kill us!)

After the flossing addition I started using mouthwash. Every. Single. Day.

You see. It's the baby steps that get me going and keep me running.

If you ever get stuck and just want to stop all this flossing and mouth washing, just give it all up because it's too hard. Just think of this picture below and you'll do fine. (Sorry my non-gay male readers! I don't have one for you yet!)