Countdown to the Half Days 2 - 6

Day Two: Today I was supposed to do "Stretch and Strengthen" which to me meant I got to try out what others had told me was the most amazing workout I would just love.

Yoga.

Let me just tell you. I do not love Yoga. I do not think I could ever even learn to love Yoga. Yoga and I have tried to be friends and frankly, Yoga's a bitch. FBGs are not meant, in any capacity, to attempt a yoga position.

It started off well, sitting on the floor (my favorite place) and it involved a closing of the eyes to concentrating on your breathing. Easy enough, right? WRONG. First, I can't close my eyes! I had to watch the fucking video on YouTube because I had never done Yoga before. Second, I apparently forgot HOW to breathe in and out in a consistent manner. I held my breath nearly every pose and when I felt like I was going to pass out, I would let out this huge huff of air and suck it back in to hold again for another pose. By the end of the twenty-three minutes of the most annoying bitch voice ever a soothing voice, I was out of breath and still hadn't stretched a single muscle. I realize I was doing it all wrong and probably should've went to a beginners class, but once I was face down on my hands and knees and the German Shepard decided that would be a good time to mount me...I gave up. I lifted weights for the next thirty-five minutes and did my own stretching and felt great.

Day Three: 3 mile run. S-U-C-K-E-D A-S-S. It was the first run I had to do and it had snowed the night before about a foot deep. This meant that I was running on the devil incarnate instead of nice forgiving asphault. I did it and only bitched about it for an hour. Pretty good.

Day Four: I was looking forward to today! Only two miles and I got to run OUTSIDE for the first time. It was sub-freezing weather but I really did not care. I put on my brand spanking new cold weather running pants which sucked in all the fat and kept my legs from jiggling too much. They are awesome! I ran the two miles the fastest I have ever run two miles and it felt great. I used a pacer app that I had set for an ambitious 14 minute mile (I have never ran a 14 minute mile since leaving the Navy) and I did it! I even impressed myself. I wanted to go further but I promised myself to stick to the plan for two reasons: 1) I had someone else to blame if I failed and 2) I did not want to injure myself again and have to pull out of the half.


Day Five: I was not looking forward to today. It was another 3 miles on the devil incarnate and of course...it had snowed another 2345345 feet or so, give or take a few inches. I grabbed my iPad and turned on Netflix to The Fluffy Movie and watched it. I was laughing the entire time and completely forgot that I was running. I ended up doing more than I had planned because I was so enthralled with Fluffy losing over 100 lbs and telling his super awesome story. And!!! I will have you know I didn't bitch about the run at all!

Day Six: And on the sixth day the FBG rested. May the training God's rejoice for this day I give thanks!

No One "Enjoys" Running

Literally, no one.

Oh, now, don't get your panties all in a rumple, hear me out.

Ask yourself if you really enjoy the act of running. The legs burning, lungs screaming, heart pounding, act of running. Or is it the after effects of the run that make you love it? The other day I took a short run on the treadmill (aka the hatemill) and found that I really, really, really, love hate running. I mean, I REALLY hate running. I love the "idea" of running and all the good things that happen after running such as weight loss, muscle building, and depression fighting. But I truly despise the act of running.

It hurts, it makes me want to vomit, I'm sore for what seems like an eternity, I hate it. Somehow, I still turn around twenty minutes later and excitedly tell my FBG fan club that I love running.

The people that perhaps do enjoy the act of running must have some sort of chemical imbalance. It's sick really. Let me list all of the things that I have found make me hate the act of running (as described by a member of the FBG fan club):


1. Chaffed nipples
2. Black toenails
3. Falling off of said toenails
4. Bounciness of fat

Please, feel free to comment below the reasons you hate running or try to convince me that you actually love running. I'd love to hear them.



Countdown to the Half Update:
I downloaded the 12 week half marathon training plan written by Hal Higdon and tweaked it to fit my needs and in ten weeks (ambitious? Possibly). You can find it here if you want to start training for your own half because I am so damned inspiring!


Day One: Today I just had to do 30 minutes of cross training. I took this to mean I could do the elliptical (aka devil incarnate) for 30 minutes. Which I did. But of course I couldn't just do that and feel any sort of accomplishment. So fan girl (mentioned earlier) and I did some light weight lifting. (And by "light weight lifting" I mean completely destroyed our arms and abs with only a little bit of work.)

Half Marathon

Shit. I've gone and done it now. I have somehow conned talked myself into running a half marathon. I'm not exactly sure what has possessed me to sign up for said half marathon. Apparently, I have lost my last ounce of sanity in nursing school and I believe I can do anything!

This is probably how the conversation with myself went:

"Hey FBG, you've been running for a couple weeks each month for the better part of a year. Maybe you can run a half?"

"Are you nuts? You know that's like 13.1 miles, probably up hill the whole time. Of course I can't run a half."

"Okay. Lets sign up for one."

"Sounds awesome. Lets do it."

And so I did. Bought and paid for. I was even so excited that they had a "finisher" medal that I wrote a training plan and it starts tomorrow. Just so you know, everything I ever "start" starts tomorrow.



I asked my friends if they wanted to join me. All 200+ of them on my friends list on Facebook were so excited that they didn't even say they would. I assume they went right out and signed up without telling me and I will see them there on the starting line. Although, I did manage to beg and plead ask one nice FBG bestie club member to sign up with me. On a serious note; she has been my rock through this whole thing. Even though we don't get to see each other much, she was always willing to take a run with me and she always stuck by my side (even though I know she can run much faster than me and she has proven it.) She may think I am insane but she will be right there with me and we both will get our clean white self-huggers at the same time!


The website says that the cut off time is 3.5 hours to run the race. "Plenty" of time for "walkers" they said. I figure it takes me an unholy hellish amount of time a little under two hours to run 7 miles. I think I will eat up every second of the 3.5 hours but I might just make it. I just might get that medal.

P.S. My new hero is T-rex runner. Click the name to read about her. Her blog is not only funny but she is basically a smaller version of me. She doesn't know it yet but we are destined to be best friends common acquaintances.

Well Crap.

First of all, it's been way too long since I've kept you all updated and posted. This is entirely my fault but I haven't given up and I trust that you're still here to read my tales no matter how long it takes me. Listen, I have news. Not great news but not bad news either. I graduate nursing school soon and the husband has paid for a cruise to the Bahamas in celebration of my accomplishment. (We are going regardless if I manage to make it through this last semester or not.)

 Here is the problem:

1. I do not have a dress for the formal dinner night. Actually, that's a lie. I DO have a dress. I just can't fit in to the damn thing. It hangs in my closet...attempting to look innocent...but it mocks me. I know it's tricks. I have not worn it since after baby number one in Hawaii. I also haven't tried it on since cruise number one in which it was way too small. Granted, I have lost a literal ton some weight since cruise number one, so I'm probably just being paranoid that it won't fit. I just don't want to take any chances of being completely heart broken if it does not. (I would be over joyed if it was too big though!)

2. It's the freakin' Bahamas...in June. It's hot. Not just hot, that's not the right word at all, but so damn hot you have to chew your air to breathe and your shoes melt to the pavement type hot. But that type of hot does not afford me permission to just run around naked. That means I have to wear shorts. This is not something that I wish upon anyone's viewing pleasures. Blonde haired, blue eyed, white girl, problems I suppose.




Here are the good points:

1. I get to go to the Bahamas again.
2. I get to RUN in the Bahamas, that is if I can get off the ship without bursting into flames.

It All Came Back

Every. Single. Pound.

Why? Well, it's easy when you stop working out. I just gave up over the winter and realized what a huge mistake it was when I gained all my weight back and then some. My self pity is at an all time high right now. My so-called "friends" who said that they would be with me through this whole thing and I thought would never leave me...have done just that. My motivation is gone. My hope of being at my goal weight, shot completely down.

I have a list of excuses that any normal human being would never fault me for not working out. Unfortunately, I am not a normal person so I blame myself for everything and take it all to heart that I am a failure. Well, I am tired of writing about my failures. It doesn't do me any good and it's boring for you so this is my new "I can do it" post instead.

I am in nursing school. Not only is it a hell of a different level it is the most difficult thing I have ever done in my entire life. Yet, it is the most rewarding thing I have ever done as well. It takes up, literally, all of my time. I haven't seen my family since August of last year when I started. A normal day of school and work can run from wake to sleep time: 0430 to 2300 if I am lucky. Since nearly all of my time is dedicated to studies I have not had time to workout, run, or even eat normally. It's time to get back into action.

I am motivated by one thing right now. I simply cannot be that nurse that consistently tells people they should lose weight and be over 200 lbs myself. It just doesn't convey that "trust me because I know what I am talking about" kind of thing. It's like a smoker telling another smoker that smoking will kill you, no kidding? Is that why you still do it?

So here it is. I am buying a Fitbit, I have done my research on it and I know that it is not completely accurate but it is something to give me some motivation to get active. It's mostly because of that competitive gene that I have that I am getting one. So that I can compete with my nursing school buddies who have one. I must do better than them. I bought a treadmill so that even if it's raining (which it does a lot here in NC during the summer) I can still take a walk or a run. I bought a bike so I don't have to run all the time. Yes, running gets boring if you are doing the same route every day and never run with friends anymore because they gave up on you. Every chance I get I am going to be moving instead of sitting. That hour spent watching TV at night will be spent still watching TV but moving on the treadmill instead.

Pity party is over as of tonight. Tomorrow I will turn on the Fitbit and get to working. I will track everything I do on Myfitnesspal app and I will drink my fruit smoothies and water all day. Wish me luck, or don't. Either way I am doing this without my "friends" and I will definitely keep the rest of you posted.

Free Stuff

Well, I have news. Apparently, this FBG blog is popular enough to receive shit in the mail that says, "please try this super crazy, mega awesome, weight loss product that's guaranteed to work without you having to change anything about your diet and exercise routine, and then blog about it." Pretty cool right? Well, the fact that I am popular enough to get free shit makes me smile. That is, until I did a little research and find out the stuff is like extreme colon blow on steroids.

Now, I'm just about willing to try anything to lose my FBG status, but this was possibly going over the line for me. So of course, without hesitation, I gave it to a friend of mine to try instead. (I would much rather put him through the agony and suffering of being a poop machine than to deal with it myself.) After six weeks of flatulence, and no colon blowing of any sort, nor was there any weight loss to speak of, we decided that it just didn't work for him.

After complaining to the company support line that the product didn't work for my friend and I would not be blogging about it, they sent me more free product as if I had been doing it wrong or something. I decided that maybe I should give it a try. I mean I had eight bottles of the stuff. Maybe it was made specially for women or maybe my volunteer did it wrong or maybe it was specific for FBG me instead of anyone else. For six weeks I took four gigantic horse pills at night about thirty minutes after my last meal. Hoping to clog my toilet the next morning.

Cut to 5:30 am. I got nothing but a trumpets echoing throughout the bathroom that first day...and everyday for the next six weeks. I lost friends but no weight and my bowel movements remained normal. I decided that wasn't going to cut it. I changed it to taking the product in the morning before my first meal. Maybe that would get everything on the right track.

Fat chance...It just plain didn't work. I am disappointed but hey, it was worth a shot, right?

Now this isn't to say that this product won't and doesn't work for someone else. I just don't believe it was meant for me to use. I'll stick with my own, historically accurate, version of healthy eating and working out in order to lose my weight.

If you want to try this product I'll send it to you for free! Just email me at fatbottomgirl2013@gmail.com and I'll be happy as a clam to send you unopened product for you to try. (This isn't a ploy to get you to use this product I am honestly just tired of seeing the bottles collecting dust on my bathroom shelves. I promise not to bombard your email with a bunch of junk mail, since I don't sell anything, that should be easy!)

**Disclaimer** I was not paid for the use or advertisement of this product. This product is not FDA approved as it is a dietary supplement. As always, please consult with your physician prior to starting any diet or exercise routine. I am not responsible for any damages to persons regarding the product and the opinions expressed in this blog are mine. Judgments were made as to the effectiveness of the product based on my own diet and exercise routine and obviously everyone is different so please don't expect a miracle product to save us all from being FBG's.

If you have used this product before feel free to let me know how it worked for you in the comments section! I'd love to meet just one person who has actually had some results.

The Hiatus and the Return to Hell

Since that fateful day in October (aka race day) I have gone down hill, fast.

My inspiration and motivation was gone and my spirit was broken. I was convinced that I was just no good and I wanted to give it all up. I wasn't losing the weight fast enough and those who were once proud of me and encouraging had stopped being so helpful. I continued to run each day but my heart was no longer in it. The depression monster came back and weaved its dark shadows through my very soul and even a new pair of running shoes couldn't take me out of its grasp this time. Not to mention that the weather turned cold very quickly and if you remember how much I hate early morning runs then you'll be happy to know I despise cold runs too!


Thanksgiving day I was scheduled to run another 5K but this time I had not trained properly for it and I was dreading it with a passion. I had gone from running four or five miles at a time, five days a week, to doing intervals only a couple times a week (a mixture of walking and sprinting.) It improved my stamina and time on the distance runs but I couldn't get past this block that I had put up. My brain wouldn't focus on getting the job done and eventually I went from intervals to walking only. Then I just stopped working out all together which killed me because about the time that I would normally go for a run my legs would turn to fire. What doctors call restless leg syndrome.

When my running partner sprained her ankle a couple days before the race I totally used this as my excuse not to go. I also used it as my excuse to not run for the next three weeks as well. I don't regret not going to the race though. That morning it was 19 degrees! OMFG! I regret that I had pretty much given up on myself and was starting to feel guilty. Really guilty, which made it all that much worse, and now I really didn't want to workout any more. That is until I went back to work and an old friend that I hadn't seen or spoken to since October called me up and conned me into asked me nicely to join her at the gym today for something called "bootcamp".

(Side note: I've been to bootcamp and I didn't like it then either!)

I was excited to go but I was also nervous. I was worried that I would be the only Fat Bottom Girl there and I didn't want to make a complete fool of myself. I told myself that if she could do it then I sure as hell could do it too. I showed up at 8:45 am (I know right?! A morning workout?! WTF was I thinking?!) and met her at the door. She greeted me with that shit eating grin of hers and asked me if I was ready.

"Fuck no I'm not....Let's go in, I'm already here." I replied. It was 22 degrees and I just wanted to get indoors.

9 am the workout from hell started. My heart thumped in my chest so hard I was afraid it was going to flop out onto the floor. My legs were burning so much they could've started a forest fire and to top it all off I couldn't breathe. I heaved to suck in air, hoping to get the much needed oxygen to my O2 starved limbs to no avail. I was just going to have to suffer through it or pass the fuck out.

Just then the four foot nothing, beast of a woman barked into her headset to take a break and get some water. Thank God! Glancing at my watch on the way to my water bottle...9:05 am. That was just the warm-up. Sweet baby Jesus I was in for 55 more minutes of this hellish torture.

I made it through with only a couple bumps and bruises. I didn't pass out, I didn't puke, I did do the entire workout, and I did finish it without bitching, not one single time. (I couldn't breathe well enough to bitch or I probably would have.) Five minutes after the workout I signed up for the gym membership and I have dedicated myself to go three days a week and still do a run on the weekends. It's time to get back on track and get back to work! Thanks buddy (you know who you are) for giving me that call!!

And the After

Today was the day. It was race day.

I promised to post the before and after picture on the day of the race. (If you don't remember here is the post.) Tonight was the first annual Night of the Ghouls 5K that my friends and I had been training for. I've sat back and watched as each one of them has given up or quit because it was too hard. I don't blame them at all. If it wasn't for the support and encouragement I received from friends and family I would've quit too. It is hard to change your entire life, your way of living. I know, I've done it. Without a support system everyone is bound to fail.

I keep getting messages that I am the inspiration for someone to get off the couch. While I love hearing those sorts of things I can't be your only reason for doing it. You need to make that decision for yourself and for your life. Working out, losing weight, being a completely different you, this is a change that in order to stick you have to be motivated by reasons much deeper than you see me doing it. For months now I've been sweating and beating myself into the ground for this one race, when in actuality, I've changed my entire life. Not necessarily for this one race but for all the races I'll ever run, because I want to see my kids graduate college and have babies of their own and see those kids graduate college. I want to live as long as I possibly can and I simply cannot do that if I can't even tie my own shoes without being short of breath.

Not everyone has quit because it was too hard. One of my friends, that I was so very proud of for even trying, had to pull out because of an injury just two days ago. (She happened to be in my head as my first competitor. I looked at her as if that skinny bottom girl could do it then I had to beat her as a fat bottom girl right? Does that mean I win by forfeit?) I'm disappointed she made the decision not to race but it is for her own health and well being that she did.

As for The Punisher? (Because you all keep asking me about him!) He began a training program to run in a Thanksgiving day half marathon! He knew, after a little while, that this 5K was going to be too easy for him. Unfortunately, his body had other plans and forced him to pull out of that a couple weeks ago. So this 5K was now a recovery race for him. He finished the race in 23:03 a personal best for him and taking 6th place over all and 1st place in his age group of 30-39. I couldn't be more proud of him.

For me, it was the culmination of all that I've worked for. I finished the race in my best time for that track yet 52:43 Only 43 seconds longer than my last time. Not my best time ever unfortunately. I ran 7 miles two days ago and jacked up my knee a little so by the end of this race I was hobbling my way through the finish line. I do not plan to ever stop running but I do believe that competitive racing is out of the question for now. I'm a slow runner and I simply can't keep up with all these young athletes. That's not me giving up, that's me admitting when I have reached my limit. I love to run and a 17 minute mile run is still a mile ran. So competitively I am out of the race, but running just to say I did it, I'm totally there. Next up is a couple more 5K's and ultimately a 10K.

So here it is, the before and after stats and pictures. (Sorry the pics are so blurry, I'll do better ones next time.)

Before (June 25th, 2013):                                 After (October 19th, 2013):

Weight: 242 lbs                                                 Weight: 217 lbs
Chest: 56 in                                                       Chest: 42 in
Hips: 54 in                                                         Hips: 43 in
Waist: 54 in                                                       Waist: 49 in
BMI: 44.3                                                          BMI: 39.7

Before

After

While you may not notice a difference in the pictures. I have definitely noticed a difference in my life. I'm not out of breath when I get out of my car and come in the house. I can tie my shoes by simply bending over. I can run a total of 7 miles now without stopping when three months ago I couldn't even do 100 yards. (The thought of 7 miles back then would've killed me.) I can also walk from one end of a parking lot to another without being winded.





What I'm saying is, yes, you can do this. Anyone can do this. It doesn't matter how big, small, short, or tall you are. Weight loss is something that CAN be achieved as long as you stick with it, and trust me, you don't need some magic pill to get there. Keep yourself from being discouraged by finding yourself a weight loss buddy. If you can't find one, email me here. I'll be happy to keep you accountable and send you encouragement!

My First Official Death Race...aka the 5K

Well, I finished my very first official USATF (United States of America Track and Field) 5K and lived to tell about it.

I didn't have a time in mind to finish, I just wanted to say I did it and I didn't want to be dead last. Surprisingly, I accomplished both, so I'm pretty full of myself happy with the results. So happy, in fact, that I am doing it again this week. Not the same race of course, I have to wait until next year for that, but a night one held on the university campus.

My day started early, and by early I mean that I was awake before the rest of the entire world. Even my dogs looked at me like I was insane as they burrowed themselves back under my blankets. At 0430 everything looks bleak and the race didn't even start until 9! I contemplated just not going or going but just walking or not going and running later that night. Alas, I remembered that I was taking my six year old with me (we'll call her Bad Ass Baby Girl, BABG) and she would've been very disappointed not to see her buddy who was going to be there. So I got out of bed and took a shower. Yes, I know taking a shower before a run sounds a bit on the retarded side but hear me out, I only did it to wake myself up for the two hour drive to the race.

 BABG and I arrived just before 0730 when race registration started. A friend of mine had warned me about the pre-race potty emergencies that can happen so I headed straight to the restroom before I did anything else. Once we were registered we had a while before the race started so we made friends with a few volunteers for a while and then headed down to the starting line to stretch out and check out the competition.
 

I was feeling fine. As you may know I despise morning runs just about as much as I despise frogs, which we'll talk about that in a later post. (If you don't know about my morning run hatred you can read about it here.) But, I was feeling good. I was pumped, warmed, stretched, and good to go. The route didn't look too bad on the map, it was a full circle instead of an out and back. I was smiling and happy, right up until some old man jogged up next to me and asked if I had seen...The Hill.

"Hill? What hill?" I asked.

"The one that's behind us," he replied with a crooked smile.

I looked over my shoulder and it didn't look that bad. I shrugged and said, "No worries, this fat bottom girl has skills. I can do it."

He left me there in the wake of his laughter as he walked away. My confident smile turned to a cringe when I realized that he was laughing at me, instead of with me.

The race whistle started and we were off. BABG took off like a bullet and raced ahead of me. I just knew I wouldn't see her again until the finish line. The race started off with a gentle incline for about a tenth of a mile, no biggie, easy day. I was yet to learn how wrong I was. There was a long downhill after that where I picked up my pace and passed the walkers. It never occurred to me that I would have to gain that elevation drop back somehow. Then there was a nice and easy flat spot all the way to the end of mile one.

At the beginning of mile 2 there is a hill, not too bad, but a little steeper than I was used to. When I got to the top I figured that was it. That is until I looked up and saw it. There, just around the corner, was the biggest, steepest, hill I'd ever seen. It was a monster, it was eating up runners and speed walkers alike. The experienced runners were just getting to the top as I rounded the corner and they were...walking? Dear God the runners were walking the hill!!

I knew I was in for it. "Why did no one tell me?" I cried in confusion. I put my head down and focused on the concrete below my feet. I pushed and pushed and pushed until I couldn't take it anymore. My heart and brain hadn't given up just yet, but my legs were jello. Suddenly, I heard a small voice behind me calling my name and I realized it was BABG, she was walking it and barely faster than a crawl. I took her hand and we pushed up the rest of it together, at a walk. This beast of a hill is nearly a mile long and it feeds on the blood and sweat of inexperienced runners like myself.

Once we reached the top, the volunteers gave us water and made sure we were okay. Luckily, the rest of the way was downhill and just a little tiny hill at the end to get back to the finish line. BABG took off ahead of me again once I mentioned there was ice cream at the end. She finished at 57 minutes flat while I dragged ass behind her at 58:15.

I fucking finished it, goal one complete. Out of 158 competitive runners, I was 153, I wasn't dead last, goal two complete. My reward? Olive Garden with my buddy!!

What now, you ask? Now, I get to work on my time and figure out a way to demolish that hill next year.

Potty Emergency

We're friends, right?

Like I can pretty much tell you anything and you can handle it?

I know what you're thinking right now, "What the fuck is she talking about?" Well, I think it's time to address the proverbial elephant in the room and talk about potty emergencies.

I'm not talking about the 'I really have to pee' moments that can happen anywhere like in the car, or on a run, or even at work. I'm talking about the times when your stomach cramps so bad that you just might wreck your car. Tears come to your eyes as you double over in pain and you pray for death to come quickly. The times where you start sweating profusely and seriously contemplate shitting your pants just to get rid of the pain! Yeah, those times.





Maybe you have experienced this yourself at some point in time. Maybe you have been able to make it to the bathroom just in time (oh, sweet baby Jesus thank you!) but have you experienced this in the middle of a run about two miles from your end point?

 

What do you do? Do you simply veer off course into the woods and use a sock to clean yourself up? Do you pooper scooper that shit (literally) and take it with you? If you do decide to just go, do you take a picture of it to savor the moment when you are done and send it to your friend? (I bet you do!)

Personally, I have always been able to complete my run straight into a bathroom. I have an irrational fear of spiders injecting venom into my massive ass cheek that prevents me from taking a dump in the woods so thankfully I have not had to poop so bad that I couldn't wait. It is bound to happen though, one day. I have read though that some marathon runners simply shit their shorts and keep on keepin' on. *Insert dry heaves here*

(Side note: In boot camp, if you vomited the Drill Instructors would make you pick it up and put it in your pocket to carry that around with you all day long. It was revolting! I never puked in boot camp. I'd hate to see what they would do if you took a shit on a run.)

Perhaps I should just start running with this?

Comments? Suggestions on how to avoid a potty emergency? Have an epic poop story that just must be shared? Let me know!